How It Started
by rizzlestiva
Summary: Amelia Shepherd has lived through many tragedies and is struggling to cope. Arizona Robbins unexpectedly walks into Amelia's life and is there to guide her through the pain. Multiple Trigger Warnings inside. Amezona Story.
1. Chapter 1

**Major trigger warning. This Story will involve talk of sexual assault and self harm. If this could trigger any issues for you please DO NOT read. If anybody needs to talk about any of the subjects involved, please instant message me. I will attempt to use trigger warnings on each individual chapter based on its content. **

**I am in no way a specialist in any of the following subjects so if I have any factual details wrong feel free to inform me. I am English and have tried to adapt my spelling to American English but it is highly probable that I missed some details - sorry.  
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**I own absolutely nothing. Character Credit to Shonda and ABC. **

**This is an AU so although many details of Amelia's life are taken from Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy some of the details are just from my imagination. If you need any separation between TV show world and my imagination message me and I will try to help. You do not have to have seen PP to read but I do advice you to watch it because it is AMAZING. In this story Omelia has not happened, it will become apparent why in the first few chapters. **

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 1 Trigger Warnings: Substance Abuse / Sexual Assault / **

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Amelia POV

Everyday is a struggle. Simple as that. I struggle, but I cope. I get up, I go to work, I go to meetings (sometimes narcotics anonymous, sometimes alcoholics anonymous) and I don't do drugs. I survive by following this routine every day. Some days are worse than others but I can normally tell how a day's going to go by how well the night before passed, how many nightmares I've had, how many times I've woken in a panicked sweat, how many times I've cried myself into such a state I knew there would be no more sleep.

After I saw my dad die, my mom made me go to therapy. I'm not sure what a therapist can say to a 5 year old to make the murder of her father less influential in life. I mean, what was their plan? Have me draw pictures of my dad alive and dead so I know the difference? Help separate my fantasies from the cruel reality I was living. Ask me about that day, the worst day repeatedly? Honestly, looking back on it I don't think she was a real therapist, especially after working with Violet and Sheldon in LA. I only saw her a few times, maybe if I kept going things wouldn't have turned out like they did. After that I wasn't really a priority in my mom's life. Derek was the one who took care of me. He packed my lunches, walked me to school, he tucked me in on a night, everything a mother should have been doing, Derek did. I am grateful for that, I am but I wish my mother was more involved. From my perspective, I grew up without a mother. Derek tried, my sisters were there sometimes but at the end of the day, teenagers want their space and I was alone a lot of the time, for so long that being alone became my thing, I was more comfortable that way. If my Mom was there for me then maybe things would have been different. Maybe I would have been home that night instead of walking home from that party alone.

I don't know why I went to the party. I wasn't really invited, but then again, who is invited to high-school house parties. I didn't have any friends to go with, I didn't have any friends at all. I wasn't a typical 16 year old. I remember wanting to show people that words didn't hurt, and that I was strong enough to stand my ground. I didn't need friends to be happy. At first I got awkward glares from people, I guess they were wondering what I was doing so far out of my comfort zone. I couldn't have been there long when someone gave me a drink, I can't remember who it was but I appreciated at least a simple act of kindness. I also appreciated that they didn't give me alcohol, just some off brand cola, at least that's what I thought. I don't remember much after that. I remember feeling nauseous and deciding to go home. I tried calling Derek to come pick me up but he didn't answer his phone so I must have decided to walk. I remember seeing a sign for a pharmacy and the shock when someone grabbed my arm and dragged me behind a building. I remember the pain.

Until that night, I was a virgin. I should have known not to leave the party alone. I should have called Addison or one of my sisters. When I regained consciousness there was a moment I thought it wasn't real, just a bad dream. I'd read about that, when you wake up in a dream and you think you're awake and then you wake up again. I checked my bag and my cash was gone but my phone and cards were still there. The sun was coming up and I wanted to get home before my mom woke up. The last thing I need is being told off for being back late. I thought about telling her what happened but she didn't need anymore stress in her life. I could have told Derek but I didn't want him to get into shit trying to find the guy, or he would force me to go to the police and then I'd have to go to court and tell people how irresponsible I'd been and talk about what I now consider to be the new worst night of my life. And the pity, I didn't want people's pity. I wanted to finish school and study medicine at college. I want to be a doctor. I wanted to help people, not be the person who needed help. But life just didn't agree with me.

Instead of leaving for school the next day, I left and went to the ER anonymously. I lied and told them I was 18 and didn't want anybody to know what had happened. I had savings for college in my bank to pay for the medical care I would receive. I didn't say much about what happened. I denied the rape kit, despite the nurses trying to convince me. I can't afford to spend $1000 when I don't intend to go to court. I had to have stitches, external and internally. I had lots of bruising and a couple of broken ribs. Most of the damage was easy to hide with clothes, at least physically. They did a swab and told me he'd most likely used a condom, at least I wasn't pregnant. I refused most of the unnecessary tests so the trip it didn't take too long. They prescribed me some painkillers and that was that. I picked them up and went to school. I thought that was the end of it.

I wish that was the end of it. I wish.


	2. Chapter 2

****Chapter 2 Trigger Warning: Talk of Drug Use ****

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Amelia POV

"Did you know that since 1991 the amount of opioids prescribed has risen by over 300%? It's true, studies have told us. Anybody prescribed such painkillers is at risk of addiction. In most cases there are other methods to reducing pain. I'm a surgeon, I know the risks and benefits of painkillers. They're a great invention if used exactly how they're supposed to be, but the issue is, when somebody may need a couple of doses for 3 days and the doctors prescribe 28 tablets, or even worse, when the doctors issue a repeat prescription they have the risk to fundamentally change a person's life. It changed mine, that's for sure. I have now been sober for 2827 days, that's over 7 and a half years. It's been over 4 years since my brother died, when I last bought oxy. I ended up not taking it, I'm glad I didn't, but it hurt. It still hurts. I keep thinking back to that day, what would have happened if I just stayed home. Maybe I wouldn't have been there" suddenly I see his face and feel the pain I felt that day. This has never happened before. I feel out of control. I step down and rush to leave the meeting.

It's been a while since I've shared at NA, normally I can get through it but today was a bad day. I barely slept last night, the nightmares were too much, this is when the cravings get worse. I see his face, I know its him even though I don't remember much of the night. I see his face and hear my screams. It's never happened while I'm speaking before. I was mid sentence and he was there, taking control of my body. I know logically he wasn't there but he interrupted my thoughts. Maybe I should have been to see a professional about it by now, they wouldn't be allowed to share my personal life, but then again the last time I spoke about sexual assault with anyone was with Charlotte in LA, she was attacked and I wanted to comfort her. I didn't tell her about me in detail but I acknowledged that I understood and that led to the use of more drugs, hell it lead to the death of my fiance and the death of our child, so yeah, it's not something I talk about a lot. I haven't told anybody at all the details, I figure if I talk about it, it makes it real, and I don't want it to be real. That's not me anymore.

I call in sick for work, I'm not safe to operate in the state I'm in now. I just want to sleep but I know my dreams aren't safe either. My life hasn't turned out how I wanted. I got my dream job and I'm still not happy. My dark past drives everyone away. The only person I've comfortably slept with since my attack is Ryan, and then I think it was just because I was high. Since then I slept with James in LA, but I kindof felt like I was obligated to. It's not like it sounds, I liked him, loved him even but I never felt comfortable having him touch me. When we had sex I just pretended it wasn't real, it caused too many nightmares and I had to leave. And now Owen, I think I liked him too but I had to break it off. I think I'm bound to a life being single, it's the only way I can have people near me and not feel fear. Maybe I can be okay with that in time.

I turn the TV up and try to find a happy film, something that can take my mind off everything, just to mute the thoughts for a moment or two. I can't bring myself to eat anything, I manage to drink a few glasses of water and put on some clothes. I should go to another meeting, no, I need to go to another meeting. It's been a while since I have hit two meetings in one day but it's what I need today. I know where all the local ones are and there is one mid afternoon across town but I'm in no position to drive. Meredith and Maggie are both at work, and I never ask them to take me to meetings anyway. Even if I waited until after they're off work, if I asked them to take me and they know I've phoned in sick today, I'm bound to be hit with a bundle of unnecessary questions. Webber sometimes comes to meetings with me but he's working all day today, he has a full day of surgery and I can't interrupt him. My thoughts are racing, I need to be at the meeting. There is a bus that takes me most of the way there, not that I like public transport but it's better than getting in a cab with a guy I don't know. I leave Meredith's about 45 minutes before the meeting and make my way to the bus stop.

The meeting was tough. I chose not to speak and just to listen. When you go to regular meetings you get to know people, it's the nice thing about them, you can talk to someone about anything, you don't have discuss addiction but knowing that they understand can help. I don't stay for long after the meeting. I've been, and it helped but I'm in no mood to have small talk with these strangers. I leave to go catch the bus home, I go to the next bus stop on the route so that nobody else from the meeting is there. There is about half an hour until the bus, I sink against the bus stand and sit motionless, just waiting and thinking.

I must have zoned out, I'm not sure how long I've been sitting here but I'm brought back to reality by a women shouting my name. I look up and Arizona is climbing out of her car saying my name again. I must look like shit, I haven't even showered today and it's taking all of my willpower not to start crying. She takes my hand and tells me to get in the car.

We have been driving for about 10 minutes when I realise we aren't back at Meredith's but pulling into an apartment building. I've been staring out the window for the full journey with the hope Arizona doesn't see me crying. She turns the engine off and looks to me.

"Do you want to come inside? I have coffee and junk food" I don't even know how to respond, I'm not good with people. I've always been a lone wolf. I can be social when the job calls for it and on a normal day I can smile and hide all my fears with sarcasm and humor. But I'm too tired for that.

"I'm not sure I'll be the best company today" I tell her whole attempting not to make eye contact, "I don't think you really want to be spending time with me. Could you take me to a hotel or something? I don't want to be around Meredith's kids like this."

"Amelia, I do not feel right leaving you in this state. Sofia is with Callie at the moment so It's not like I have much to do. You don't even have to talk I'll just make you something to eat and I have a sofa or Sofia's room and you can just sleep and be safe, please come in."

I get out of the car and sigh, this is going to be a long night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 Trigger Warnings: Talk of Substance Abuse**

Arizona POV

When we get inside Amelia asks where the bathroom is, I don't have a chance to finish my sentence before she has disappeared in that direction. I boil some water to make hot drinks and that's when I realise I have no idea what she drinks. I sit down and turn on the TV while I wait.

After about 15 minutes I get concerned that Amelia hasn't come back. I head towards the bathroom and hear crying. I've never heard someone cry with this much pain before. I try knocking on the door but I get ignored.

"Amelia" I say, "are you okay in there? Can I get you anything?"

No reply comes. I want to respect her privacy but it feels like something is seriously wrong.

"Amelia, I'm going to come in okay?" I go for the door handle but of course its locked. I chose these locks purposefully when we had Sofia, you can open them from the outside with a coin or something thin. As I open the door my heart breaks, I'm aware that me and Amelia aren't all that close but from seeing her around the hospital she hasn't seemed to get close to anybody. Amelia is hunched on the floor next to the toilet, she has clearly been sick but I'm more concerned for her safety right now, not the cleanliness of my bathroom.

"Amelia" I look at her and try to get eye contact "I'm going to sit next to you okay?" I still get no response. "Amelia I need you to talk to me okay, is there anything I can do right now to make you feel comfortable?" no reply "please help me out here" I say reaching out to move her hair out of her eyes. With this motion she flinched and pulls away

"Stop" she says not looking up. "Could you not touch me please?"

I take a step back, this is more serious than she thought.

"Do you want me to leave? Or to call someone else?" I ask. When she doesn't respond I get up and move towards the door.

"Wait, could you stay? But just not touch me" she looks up to me for the first time since I picked her up at the bus stop. I move back and sit a few feet away from her, and just listen to her cry.

After about 25 minutes her tears begin to subside and I break the silence.

"Do you want to move to the couch? It's more comfortable through there"

"I'm sorry, you're uncomfortable I should just leave, you don't need to deal with my problems. I'll call someone to pick me up" she says standing up clearly feeling bad for taking up my time.

"Hey, it's fine. We can stay here if you want? Please don't leave, I want to help" my leg is getting sore from sitting on this floor "Amelia, it's fine, it's not that I'm uncomfortable as such it's just my prosthetic, on flat surfaces like this its can hurt a little. Would you mind if I took it off?"

"Oh God, I'm such a bad person, you're hurting because I can't deal with my problems" she says to me, "you should have to be uncomfortable in your own home, you can do whatever you need to do with your leg" she pauses to think "I'm sorry I made you feel like that, could I get a glass of water and then I'll leave you be, I don't want to take up more of your time" I stand up to follow her out, I take her to a cupboard and give her a bottle of water, she still has stray tears falling down her cheeks.

"Amelia please don't go, just sit down. Do you want something stronger I have wine and we could watch a soppy Disney movie or something. What wine do you drink?"

"I can't take your wine" she says.

"You're not taking I'm offering"

"No, I really can't take your wine. I'm an addict I've been sober 7 years and I know if I had a glass now, I don't think I could stop. Please could you just put it away, normally I would say you can still drink but I think the smell would be too much. I'm sorry this is stupid I shouldn't stop you in-"

"Amelia stop, it's not stupid I'm sorry I didn't know. Of course I'll put it back I don't care that it's my house. Do you want a hot drink instead? I have tea, coffee, Cocoa?" I look across at her and hear,

"I haven't had Cocoa in years" I smile.

"One cup of Cocoa coming up"

I sit down with Amelia, a coffee for me and Cocoa for her. I make sure to leave a comfortable gap between us after the incident in the bathroom.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask "you don't have to but sometimes talking helps" I don't want to push her but I can't think of what else I can say.

"I am honestly not sure what I can say. It's a long, complicated story and I don't think talking about it would help right now. If your leg is still hurting you should take it off, no point living in pain when you don't have to" she says bluntly. I think this means she isn't going anywhere and that makes me feel a little better. I don't normally take my leg off in front of people but Amelia is in a very vulnerable situation and maybe my vulnerability would help equal the playing field. Maybe I'm overthinking this, I don't know but I go to remove my leg anyway, on the off chance that it'll make Amelia feel more comfortable

"I'm sorry" I say "this isn't pretty to get off" I mumble. She just smiles at me, I can see its a fake smile but I appreciate the effort.

"Can I ask you some questions?" I say to her "if anything makes you uncomfortable you can just not answer. I just want to help."

"I guess, just, don't expect much okay, I'm not a talker" she says taking sips from the Cocoa I gave her.

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable right now? I know you asked me not to touch you before which is fine but is there anything else I can do?" she looks at me like no one has ever asked this before.

"Errm I, I mean no don't worry about it" she says

"What were you going to say? Don't stop yourself just ask, I'm sure it'll be fine" I reassure.

"Could you hold my hand. When you found me at the bus stop and took my hand to take me to the car it felt good. Could you do that again? But leave the gap between us? Sorry its weird I just can't explain." She looks worried, like I'm going to say no but I take her hand a trace my thumb over it. Hoping it'll help just a little.

"That wasn't so bad was it?" I say smiling at her before I continue, "I guess my first question is, when I found you in the bathroom you had been sick, and you'd been crying so is there any chance you could be pregnant?"

"What?" Amelia looks shocked "definitely not, no, not pregnant, not possible."

"Okay, but you get I had to check right?"

"Yeah it's fine, I get it, but no, not pregnant" she says while smiling a little. It was small and she looked nervous but I'm glad she felt comfortable enough to smile.

"Is there anything physically wrong that I can help with? I follow with. Are you ill?" I ask, hoping the answers no. I've only just started getting to know her.

"I'm not sick, not really. Physically I'm fine I just called in sick because I didn't feel well enough to safely cut brains open. I can't let my stupid emotions affect other peoples lives"

Thank God. I am so glad she is okay, but also that makes this more complicated. But at least she is physically healthy. I think about my next question, I don't want to push her too far.

"So why were you on this side of town? It's not near the hospital or Meredith's." I think this is a safe question, not too many emotions or story's, just a normal small talk type question.

"That's kind of a longer answer. Can I go to the bathroom first? I promise I won't lock myself in I just need to pee" she takes her hand from mine and walks towards the bathroom.

I take a moment while Amelia is gone to take the empty coffee mugs to the sink and rinse them out. I look to my phone and its 6pm, Amelia's family are probably finishing work and will be wondering where she is. I make a mental note to remind her to send a text so Meredith isn't concerned. Looking at Amelia on a daily basis, you wouldn't know that she has this much pain built up. She always seems so together, so happy. She is good at her job so clearly she can normally compartmentalise but that can't be healthy. She said she is an alcoholic but she has worked here for about 3 years and I've never seen look at any alcohol. I've never seen her look the tiniest bit drunk. She did also say she has been sober for 7 years so I guess things get easier with the years. So what if that's not what's causing her issues I don't even want to know what is. But I also want to help her, so maybe knowing the issue is the next best step. My thoughts are interrupted by Amelia approaching behind me.

"Hey, erm, I guess this is going to take a while and it's not the easiest topic for me and I'm not exactly in comfortable clothes, I had to take my sweater off earlier because I got puke on it and these jeans are tight and yeah so could I borrow something or could you take me to pick clothes up from home I just, if we are having this conversation I want to be comfortable" she says with fumbling with her hands, looking to the floor.

"Of course, you could have said something earlier you know. I don't bite," I say heading towards my bedroom. "Come through and I'll l show you where stuff is."

I open my wardrobe and draws that have stuff in for her. "You can where whatever you want, if you're looking for comfy clothes I suggest this draw, it's got my exercise clothes and winter jumpers and stuff. Do you want me to leave while you sort yourself out?" I ask presuming it'll be a yes.

"Could you just turn around? I really don't trust myself to be alone right now. Just talk to me but don't look okay?"

"Just because I'm a lesbian doesn't mean I can't see a pretty girls body and not control myself you know" I joke.

"Oh my god, that's not what I meant" she says panicking "I'm just not comfortable with people my body it's not you."

"Amelia I'm kidding, I know you weren't implying anything I was just trying to lighten the mood." I keep talking while she gets changed.

Once Amelia is sorted we head back through to the couch and she starts the conversation. "I try to go to three meetings a week. Sometimes it's more but at a minimum I try to go to three." She takes a staggering breath, like she is searching for the words to explain. "This morning I went to a meeting, I had had a rough night so I decided to share which wasn't easy and I kinda broke down mid sentence. It's never happened before, normally I only break down in private but I had a memory, a flashback of sorts and well, things happened. I felt like shit for showing people that side of me, I felt exposed and just walked out and went home. I called in sick for work after that. I normally go to that particular meeting because it's within walking distance but after the incident I was craving, like really craving, track down a dealer level craving. I knew I needed another meeting and the only one on at a suitable time was in the community centre near where you found me. I went in and sat through it. I decided against talking and just to listen. The meetings help I'm just having a really bad day and I left as soon as the meeting finished instead of staying for coffee. I took the bus to get there because I didn't trust myself to drive and I was waiting at the stop for the bus. I guess you found me first."

I noticed that while Amelia was talking she had found my hand and was holding it between us, fidgeting with it, tracing the lines on my hand. It's strange but it seemed to help so I accepted that this was a small act of comfort I could give her.

"I know that was tough" I reply "but can I ask one more question?" I look at her for any signs that she is uncomfortable, but she just looks tired, no signs she I'm upsetting her. "Amelia, you said earlier you were an alcoholic, and now you said you were thinking of finding a dealer. Is there anything other than alcohol that I need to be aware of?" I remain emotionless, I don't want to scare her away.

"I'm an addict, not an alcoholic. I mean yes an alcoholic, but alcohol is just one of many drugs. To me it's a gateway drug. Opioids are the bigger issue, oxycodone to be specific. But all it takes is a sip of alcohol and it can all go down. I don't touch any alcohol anymore, it's not worth it."

"Thank you for trusting me" I know there is more to the story but for now she trusted me. "Amelia, I really want to give you a hug right now and tell you it'll all be okay, but I don't want to make anything worse. Just know I mean it when I say it'll all be okay, and if you ever want a hug just let me know and I'll be there" she pulls her hand away from mine carefully.

"Arizona?" she says as a single tear rolls down her cheek "a hug sounds really good right now"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 Trigger Warnings: Reference to Sexual Assault**

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Amelia POV

"Arizona," I hear myself say. "A hug sounds really good right now."

I can't believe those words come out of my mouth. I never crave physical contact. I pull my legs up onto the couch, like I'm using my legs to protect my body, holding them tight against me. I shuffle towards Arizona staying tightly tucked into a ball. She wraps her arms around me, slowly rubbing up and down my arm she rests her chin on my head, and for the first time in years I feel safe, I feel protected. She doesn't move or pull away, she leaves everything in my control.

_Oh no, not again. Get away from me. Let go of my arm please let me go. I just want to go home. I want to go please stop. Please don't touch me, please stop _"Amelia" _how do you know my name _"Amelia, its Arizona can you wake up for me. I shake my eyes awake. Someone is here. Someone is holding me. I start to panic and manage to get myself away and onto the floor. When I look up I see Arizona, she is clearly upset. Shit did I hurt her? I try to slow my breathing but I'm crying and it's becoming too much. I shuffle back towards the wall, trying so hard not to have another total meltdown in front of Arizona. She shouldn't have to deal with my mess of a life. I can't believe I let her into my head, even just a little. She hardly knows anything and I'm already making her cry. I close my eyes and try to forget she is there but it doesn't work. When I open my eyes to glance around Arizona has managed to follow me across the room without putting her leg on. She is sat a few feet away from me putting just a hand nearby. I take her hand and hold it for a few minutes until I'm somehow back and fully conscious. "I'm sorry" I mumble.

"Amelia, look at me" she says and I glance up. "You're okay, you don't have to be sorry for something you have no control over, you're okay." We stay sat like that for a few more minutes before I begin to move.

"Amelia," she calls back. I'm not sure if I wanted to hear what she is going to say. "AMY I know you're feeling some pretty strong emotions and I'm not going to pretend to understand but please can you get my leg, or some crutches so I can move?" I turn around to look at her. That's not what I expected. I thought she was going to ask about the nightmare, I'm still crying and jumpy but I can at least give my friend her leg so she can move.

"Sorry" I say passing the leg in her direction. She laughs a little.

"Amy, I know you don't like contact but I'm going to need your help to get up. Even with my leg I'm not in a good position to stand. Once I'm up you can move away from me, I promise"

I nod and move towards her and offer my hands, trying to stay a safe distance away. She is still struggling, I should be strong enough to be more useful but she manages to get up with just my hands and she moves to the sink to get me a glass of water. She clearly noticed I was shaking so opted for a plastic cup of water instead, which is probably a sensible. I guess it must be Sofia's cups. I take the water and try to drink as much as I can before placing the glass on the side.

"You called me Amy" I say breaking the silence. Arizona looks up clearly looking for the deeper meaning in what I said. "Derek is the only one who calls me Amy, and he's dead, Derek died."

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise, I can switch back to Amelia." Arizona says without making it a big issue.

"it's okay, you didn't know. Normally it makes me mad if others call me Amy, but with you, it's different. I'm not sure why"

I check my watch, and see its a little after 1am. "I'm sorry I woke you. You should go to bed, I don't want to keep you awake. I can just stay on the sofa."

"Amelia, I did an early shift today and was on my way home when I found you yesterday. I'm not at the hospital again for a couple of days. I'm pretty sure you're going to be phoning in sick again tomorrow anyway so I don't care that you woke me up. I care that you're okay." her voice is so gentle and caring. I've never really had that before. Sure I've had friends that are caring but none of them willing to hold me all night and comfort me after a nightmare. Also the fact that I never trusted anyone to be around me during a nightmare. To be fair I didn't plan on sleeping in Arizona's arms, but I didn't fight it either. It just happened.

"Arizona, I know you're just being kind but neither of us are going to be of use if we don't get any sleep so seriously, go to bed. I'll be fine here." I say to her, trying to convince myself at the same time.

"Okay, yeah, sleep is probably sensible. I don't want to be totally out of line but I have a king size bed, if you want to stay in my room, it's totally fine. We can just sleep, we don't have to talk or anything" she says. I know she means it, I know I would be safe with her.

"I can't, I'm sorry. I haven't slept in the same bed as someone for a very long time. I know you're just being a good friend but I am not ready for that. Sleeping alone is the only way I have just a little control over my sleep, I can't explain it. If you want me to stay in your room I can I just know I won't sleep. I'm sorry."

"Amelia, of course you don't have to stay in my room, but you can't sleep on the couch. Take Sofia's room, she has a normal size bed now and it has clean bedding and stuff. That way you don't have company but you can at least get comfortable"

I just nod and let her lead the way. Once I'm in Sofia's room and I've heard Arizona stop moving around I wrap myself in blankets and just hope I can get at least a little more sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 Trigger Warnings: Sexual Assault**

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_Don't touch me. Please you're hurting me. I don't want to. No wait no DON'T TOUCH HER. PLEASE LEAVE US ALONE DON'T TOUCH HER SHE SHOULDN'T BE HERE. SHE ISN'T HERE PLEASE_

I wipe my eyes trying to remain calm but that's never happened before. Nobody else has been in my dreams. It's always me and him, and nobody to help but this time it was different. Arizona was there. He tried to hurt her. He didn't get chance before I woke up. Somehow this hurt more than normal. You would think having someone else get hurt would hurt less than it being you, especially if it's in a dream anyway but it hurts more.

"It wasn't real," I tell myself. "It wasn't real, Arizona is safe." I'm trying to convince myself that it'll be okay but before I can calm down, I find myself walking through the flat to her room. Just to make sure she is safe. She left the door open and I just stand there to look. She looks so peaceful. I can hear her breathing so I know she's okay. Her chest rises and falls with a steady rhythm. If she was awake she would probably find it creepy that I'm watching her. But she is okay. I know she is okay. I walk through to the kitchen making sure to check all of the windows and doors are locked and get a glass of water.

I wash the glass once I'm done and head back through the apartment checking once more to make sure Arizona is safe but when I get to the door, she is awake, just sat up peacefully in her bed. "Are you okay?" she asks me, "do you need anything?"

I shake my head but stay where I am. She pats the other side of the bed and motions for me to come sit down. I carefully walk across the room and sit on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry I woke you, I just needed to check on something, I should have stayed in my room it's silly."

"If you felt that you needed to check something, it can't be silly. But you're at my apartment so what is here that you needed to check? I didn't know you brought anything with you." I mentally curse myself for waking her. Now I have to have an awkward conversation, how do I explain that.

"I needed to know we were safe" I say simply, trying to avoid awkward details.

"We?" I look up. "We are both very safe here I promise, but why wouldn't we be safe?" she asks. "Are you in danger Amelia? This is important if you're in danger you need to tell me."

"I'm not in danger, I just needed to make sure that's all"

I take the hand that she is offering. I hold it with both of my own and keep looking down, avoiding eye contact.

"Amelia I don't understand. Is it a dream? Are you not safe in the dream?" she asks.

I grip her hand a little tighter and try to process the words. "It's not a dream. It's a memory, but it's worse at night." She passes me a tissue to wipe my tears so I can fully explain. "But tonight it was different. Every time I remember, in dreams or when I'm awake, it's always the same. It might vary a little bit but it's always pretty much the same. But tonight it was different. You were there too, like you were me and I was a spectator, I can't explain it very well. But I needed to know you were safe. I needed to convince my body we were safe." I laugh a little and wipe away my tears to try and make it less awkward.

"What do you do when you're on your own to make it better?" Arizona asks me. Nobody ever asked that before "I mean, I used to do drugs but that's out of the question. Then when I got clean the first time I started running. At all hours of the day, if it happened, I'd go for a run. Then I had an incident with a car so I only go when it's light. So now I just sit and think. Sometimes I go check to make sure everything is locked. Sometimes I'll go out, but that's normally during the day, I don't go out alone in the dark. At night I normally just panic and wait for it to pass" I tell her honestly.

"Come with me" she tells me as she climbs out of bed. "Put some shoes on." I'm beyond confused right now but I put the shoes on. We head out of the apartment and down to the parking lot. It's cold and dark outside but with Arizona it feels safe. We get in the car and she starts driving. We pull in at a 24 hour store. "Why are we shopping at 4:30am?" I ask her. "What are we doing?" she rolls her eyes at me but keeps moving. The shop is so quiet in the middle of the night. It's like a different world. It's calm and peaceful. She gets an empty glass jar from a shelf and takes it to the front to pay.

When we get back to Arizona's apartment we take off our shoes and she goes back to her room. "What was the jar for?" I ask her for about the 10th time. "Why did we just go to a shop in the middle of the night?" I ask again.

"You said going out during the day sometimes helped. You said you couldn't go out in the dark on your own so we went together. The jar is for something totally unrelated. I just wanted to help you feel better. Did it work?"

"I guess, yeah. Still, you didn't have to go out in the middle of the night for me" I say.

She carefully considers her answer before replying. "I didn't have to go out in the middle of the night for you, I wanted to."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 Trigger Warnings: Talk of Substance Abuse / Self Harm**

* * *

Amelia POV

It's a little after 5am and we decide not to go back to sleep. We are both off work today so we don't have to be anywhere at any particular time so it can be a relaxing day. I decide it's probably sensible to shower so I let Arizona know that's where I'm going and head to the bathroom. I turn the shower on hot and remove my clothes, when I take my sweat pants off I see the reminder I have that I'll never be normal. Lots of scars lined up across my thighs. It's embarrassing, I was in a dark place after my attack and when I had stopped taking the drugs I found it to be the only thing I could control. I managed to stop and I was fine until I gave birth. My baby boy died 43 minutes after he was born, since then it started happening again. It helps clear my mind, numb the emotional pain. I find myself looking for a razor in Arizona's bathroom. Normally I have the slightly more expensive kind where you can remove the blades but my new friend only seems to have disposable razors. I carefully take a new one from the cupboard and break the end so the blade will come loose. I don't take pride in what I'm doing but it makes the panic subside for a few moments, it helps take the pain away. I'm angry with myself for letting Arizona into my life. I've always dealt on my own and been fine. With Arizona being just a room away I find myself overwhelmed with a feeling of guilt. She is trying to help me and I cant even help myself. I make one cut and the guilt becomes too much. I pick up the broken bits of razor and put them in the bin. I keep one blade out and put it on top of a cabinet, where Arizona would never find. I curse myself when I realise I don't have my usual supplies. I'm not in my bathroom, Arizona probably doesn't have a stash of bandages in her. I use a black towel and put pressure on the cut until the bleeding had mostly stopped before wiping the skin around it with a little water and tissue. I guess I should be grateful I didn't make more cuts I think to myself.

I put yesterday's clothes back on and head through to the sitting room where I find Arizona on the couch. "Do you want to shower? I was wondering if you could drive me to Meredith's in a bit so I could get clean underwear and stuff so you probably want to shower." I hope I'm not being too pushy with this. She looks like she is questioning why she should shower at this very moment but heads to the bathroom anyway, and for that I'm extremely thankful. Once she has gone I find myself looking through her kitchen cupboards searching for a first aid kit. She is a doctor, there must be one somewhere. At the back of one of the last cupboards I check I find what I've been looking for. I find a large sterile dressing, it's not my usual equipment but it'll do the job. I quickly cover the wound and put everything back so as not to raise suspicion. A few minutes later Arizona is back in the room. I didn't hear her come in, I have just been caught in deep thought. I've been crying again, my face is damp. I use the sleeves of my jumper to wipe my eyes and suddenly I'm no longer sat on the couch alone. My stomach hurts, I haven't eaten since yesterday morning, something arizona seems to realise when she hears my stomach growl loudly.

"Do you want breakfast?" I hear her say with a small laugh.

"Could we just sit here for a few more minutes" I ask her while closing the gap between us a little. She takes the hint and wraps her arms around me while I grasp my stomach and let my thoughts wander.

"What are you thinking about?" she asks kindly.

"Kids" I say simply.

"Care to elaborate?" I hear. Of course she's going to want more than that. I think of my next words carefully.

"Growing up I always wanted to be a Mom," I state.

"Okay, you still could be if you wanted" Arizona says carefully. "I think you'd be an amazing Mom one day"?

"Christopher." I look up at her and she is clearly confused.

"Who's Christopher?" she asks.

"My Son. He died. He had anencephaly. I donated all his organs to other babies who needed them. I think if I had another child it would feel like I am betraying his memory. He would have turned 7 last week."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that" she says taking a deep breath "did you do it alone?"

"I wasn't physically alone but, I was on my own" I take her hand to hold. "People were there, Addison was there, my friends at the practice were there, but nobody understood. Nobody could understand. My baby got me clean so I could donate his organs. I just wish there could have been more I could do."

"I'm sorry" she states. That's all anybody can say.

After some time we head to the kitchen to make some breakfast I find my mind wandering until Arizona interrupts "Amelia, you should message Meredith and Maggie to tell then you're safe. They're probably worried that you didn't come home"

"Hmm. I would but my phone died yesterday afternoon. I plan to pick up my charger when we go to get me some more clothes, unless you want your own time in which it'll be when you drop me off home." I tell her. I'm hoping she won't drop me off at home. Not that I would say it out loud but her company makes me feel the safest I'd felt in years. I don't want to go home.

"Here," she says handing me her phone. Use mine and we can pick yours up later.

**Arizona (phone) : Hi Mer, it's Amelia. Just to let you know I'm safe at Arizona's place. We ran into each other and got talking yesterday. Will pick my changer up today so I can message from my own phone. X**

*****Arizona POV*

"So, do you have any plans for today?" I ask Amelia.

"I should probably go to a meeting. I want to go via Meredith's but other than that, no." she says clearly trying to avoid making eye contact.

"Where and when is your meeting? I have some stuff I can pick up from the hospital so I can drop you off, and pick you up." I say. I know the meetings are important for her. I don't really have stuff to do at the hospital but hopefully it'll make her feel like I'm not going out of my way for her.

"It's in the church opposite the hospital at 9am" she tells me. I can see her thinking, something is clearly going on in her head. "Can I ask you something? She says after a few moments.

"Sure, what's up?"

"After you've got your stuff from the hospital could you come to the meeting. Like not the meeting itself but after there is normally cake and coffee and I don't normally stay but maybe if I wasn't on my own I'd be okay. If not it's fine, you don't have to I just, I don't know" she is clearly hesitant to ask. This is a big deal for her. I don't know what the rules are on bringing guests but if I can make her more comfortable I should try right?

"Okay."

It gets to about 8:30 and we head towards the hospital. I stops the car to let her out. "I'll see you in 45 minutes?" She says questioning whether I'm still okay to come join her.

"I'll be there" I promise.

Once Amelia has gone in I head towards the hospital to find Meredith. I'm not sure what I'm going to say, Amelia already told her she stayed with me but if I were Meredith I'd probably be concerned. I head through towards the surgical ward and see her standing looking at patient charts at the nurses station "Hey Mer" I say, still unsure what I can tell her.

"Arizona," she replies, "are you sleeping with Amelia?"

"What?! No why would you think that, she just stayed at mine last night, in another room. Isn't she straight anyway? Why would you ask that?" I'm stumbling for words, I can't believe this is what people think.

"Relax, I just wanted to check" she says "Derek once told me she dated a few girls in school so I had to check. So why did she stay at yours anyway? Is she okay?"

"She is having a tough time, I found her after she'd been at an AA meeting and she looked like she needed a friend. We talked and she slept in Sofia's room" I say "I just wanted to let you know that she is safe. Once I'm out of here we are going to grab some of her stuff from yours and have a movie day."

"Okay Robbins, Amelia can be a lot to handle so feel free to send her back at any time. Don't say I didn't warn you." She says as I turn around to leave. I can't believe she doesn't see the pain Amelia is in. If she knew how I found her yesterday then she wouldn't tell me I can send her away. I don't want to send her away, I want to keep her safe forever.

I get in my car to head over to the church. It's only been half an hour so I wait outside. About 20 minutes later Amelia comes out to get me and takes me inside. I've never been to any AA meetings so I didn't know what to expect. It's not as busy as I thought it would be. The chairs are arranged in a circle and there are about 10 people in the room.

"Hi, you must be Arizona" he said which gets my attention "Amelia told us about you today. Thank you for being there for her, we all need somebody" he turns around and walks away.

"You told people about me?" I ask Amelia

"I was talking to the group and gave them an update. You're a big part of my current situation so I spoke about you. Is that weird? If it wasn't for you I probably would have made a bad choice yesterday so I told them. I'm sorry if it's weird." She let's go of my hand and steps back a little.

"Amelia, it's fine I just didn't know what really happens here, that's all. Of course you can talk about me, I'm in your life now, you can't get rid of me." I hold out my hand for her to take but she doesn't. Instead she just stays by my side and tries to avoid too much small talk.

After about 10 minutes she decides it's time to go. She doesn't talk much in the car. We go to Meredith's house first and I wait in the car. She comes back out with a backpack that must have her stuff in it. On the way back to my apartment. She just looks out the window. When we get inside she plugs her phone in and sits on the couch. I follow through and sit down, removing my leg for comfort. At the meeting she didn't take my hand when I offered. I hope it wasn't too much having me there. I just wanted to help her and be there for her. She breaks the silence first. "I brought something to show you." she says and reaches into her pocket. She hands me a piece of paper and that's when I see the sonogram image. This was her baby. She gave birth to this little boy with no brain.

"He must have been beautiful," I tell her. "I wish I could have met him". She reaches across to hold my hand.

"I'm sorry," Amelia says to me "I'm not normally this much of a mess. I can normally control my emotions a little better than this. I don't cry in front of people for a reason."

"Amelia you shouldn't have to hurt alone. You're not alone. I'm going to be here. I can't tell you I understand what you're feeling but I can sure as hell be here to listen. You need to stop apologising. Can I ask you something?" she doesn't reply, she just holds my hand a little tighter. "What does Meredith know? About everything? The drugs, the alcohol, Christopher? I need to know what to say if she asks me any questions."

"She won't ask questions. She knows I have addiction problems, Derek told her. She doesn't know anything else. She never asked and I don't really talk about it. I live my life and she lives hers. We don't really talk much. Why?"

"I spoke to her at the hospital and she asked if we were sleeping together. I told her we didn't but she asked if you were okay. I said you had a tough AA meeting and needed a friend. I hope that's okay."

She just nods and stays where she is. We both stayed where we were and just enjoyed each other's company.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 Trigger Warnings: Self Harm**

**Just a reminder that I am here if you need to talk you can message me.**

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Amelia POV

We must have been there for a few hours when Arizona puts her hand on my leg. She didn't mean anything but my thigh stings, and I jump away. A small line of blood appears through my sweatpants. I know Arizona has seen it because she doesn't let me leave. She just holds me. I've never told anyone about my legs. I've slept with a few guys but always when they were scars, and they never looked at my legs, we stayed under the covers. And it was always quick. They probably didn't even notice. I've always tried to hide it. I've always succeeded until now.

Arizona is saying my name but I just stay still. "Amelia, I need to look at your leg. You're bleeding and you don't need an infection right now." she pleads. "I'm not going to judge you but you're a doctor, you know it needs to be looked at. If it gets worse you'll have to go to the hospital and you know what'll happen then. Please let me help."

"I can't" please don't make me I think to myself.

"It's just a cut Amelia. I think I have an idea what is from and I'm not going to judge I just want to make sure you're safe. I've seen this type of wound before." I tell her to try and offer comfort.

"Arizona it's not about you seeing the cut. It's the scars. Noone has seen them before. You'll never look at me the same way." She doesn't know what she is letting herself in for. "I'm a doctor, I can sort it on my own"

"Honey I know you probably could. But you're not in the right state of mind. If you let me help you I promise I won't bring it up again, I'll help you clean it and it'll be forgotten please."

"Okay" I'm reluctant but I know she won't back down "but I have rules" I tell her.

"I want a pair of shorts. I'm not sitting in just my underwear. I know you wouldn't be looking or anything I just want to make this uncomfortable situation as easy for me as possible." I tell her honestly.

"Okay, what else?"

"We don't speak of this again. You can ask questions but I can not promise I will answer them."

"is that is?" she asks me

"No, one more. You have to promise right now you won't leave me. I don't think I could take it if you left me right."

"Okay. I can do that." She tells me honestly. She leads the way to the bedroom and gives me a pair of shorts. They're an old pyjama pair but they will cover about half of my thighs. She also passed me a blanket so I can cover anything else I feel the need to cover. Then she turns around and tells me to get changed and let me know when I'm clothed. After a few moments I tell her she can turn around. I'm sat on the bed wrapped in a blanket. I leave my leg on the edge and wait for her to come towards me. She has brought the first aid kit with her so she does have to leave the room. She doesn't stare at anything she just acts. She has gone into doctor mode. She is getting all the equipment that she could need and goes to wipe my leg with an antiseptic wipe.

"Wait," I tell her. "I don't want to watch you when you can see this side of me, but also I can't have you touch me without knowing what's happening." I'm trying too hard to hold myself together while I explain. "Could you just tell me what you're doing before you do it."

"Of course. Can I start?" she asks me. I just nod and let her begin.

"Okay Amelia I'm going to start by cleaning the cut, is there only this one?" I nod but don't look at her face. "Good, this might sting a little but it'll be over in a few seconds" she tells me before wiping the cut clean. This isn't new to me. It doesn't sting anymore, I'm just numb. "Amelia normally I would say that this needs stitches but I don't have any anaesthetic." she tells me bluntly.

"I wouldn't let you use it, even if you had some. You can stitch it. I'll be okay." I tell her honestly. I've sutured myself before, I know what to expect.

"Okay Amelia, I'm only going to do 3 stitches, I'll put sterristrips between them to make it hold. I'm going to make the first stitch now." I tense my body when I feel the needle but don't speak. I just try not to think about what just be going through her head. She gives me the same amount of warning for each of the switches before placing a sterile dressing over the damage. I can feel the tears running down my face. I can't believe I've managed to get myself into this situation. When she's done she pulls the blanket so it covers both my legs and comes to sit next to me on the bed.

"Thank you," for helping I tell her "and for not judging."

"I will never judge you Amelia. I know we haven't been close for long, but I care about you." she takes a moment to breath before asking "When did you start?"

That's a simple one. "I was 16" I state bluntly. "I managed to stop for a while but then quitting drugs and Christopher being born. It was too much. I needed a little control in my life. Its been off and on since then".

I reach to take her hand but instead decide to move my body closer to hers and rest my head on her chest. She strokes my hair and I can feel her heartbeat.

"Why did you start? When you were 16?" she asks. I shake my head. I cannot answer that question, I don't want to think about it.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me" she says, still stroking my hair. "Can you tell me about this fresh cut? I can see its fresh, either last night of this morning. What happened?"

"When I woke up, I had a really bad memory. He woke me in my dreams and was still there when I got up. I did it when I showered, it helped the pain go away. It was okay until I realised I don't have my normal kit here to deal with it. I tried to deal with it as best I could. I guess it wasn't good enough." I try to smile but it doesn't stop the tears.

"You could have talked to me instead." She tells me. She motions towards my leg before telling me. "This isn't your only escape. I'm here to help."

"I know. I'm just not good at talking about my feelings" I tell her. I think Arizona is crying. Her breathing has become staggered and she moves to wipe her eyes. But she keeps holding me exactly where I am. She's too good for me.

"I have one more question. Is the memory, the one that made you hurt yourself this morning, the same event that made you start when you were 16?" I nod my head but don't give any more details. She kisses the top of my head and holds me tight. I never want to go without this feeling.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 Trigger Warning: Discussion of Sexual Assault**

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Amelia POV

I'm feeling a little bit better than I was this morning. I ask Arizona if we can go out for a bit today. We decide to stay close but to go to a local park and walk around. Get a bit of air.

"Why did Meredith ask if we were having sex?" I ask her. She seems taken aback by the question.

"She said you dated women in school, or at least Derek thought you did. And you'd been out all night, with a lesbian I might add. You can't blame her for thinking that."

I guess she's right.

"I did have girlfriends in school, Derek was right. I could see your face trying to figure out if it's true." I laugh as I tell her. "But, I don't date much any more, well at all really."

"I thought you dated Owen? I saw you flirting with him around the hospital." she tells me.

"We flirted, I liked him, he wanted sex and I didn't. I didn't like having him near me, I thought I could get over it but apparently not." It's not that bad on my own though. I don't mind it. It's peaceful.

"When was the last time you made love to anybody?" Arizona asks me. It's a deep question.

"I'm not sure. Maybe with Ryan, Christopher's dad but we were both high so I can't be sure. I mean I've had sex since then but it wasn't love. I was with James in LA. He was a good guy, the only guy after Ryan. We had a really nice night and I thought I was ready for sex. I broke down and locked him out of my bedroom. He was still on my couch the next morning. We slept together that day. It was okay but I was never fully comfortable with him. He loved me, he wanted to marry me I just couldn't." I tell her.

"When was the last time you slept with a woman?" I guess that's a fair question considering she only just found out about my sexuality.

"I fooled around with a couple of girls in school. I was probably around 15. I think I was just trying to find someone who would accept me, I wouldn't call them friends though. Since then I've never really met the right woman. You're the only person I've let into my world for about 5 years."

"I wasn't asking because I want sex from you, I need you to know that. I mean I'm sure sex with you would be great but you're not ready for that, I know you're not but oh god I'm rambling"

I'm laughing at her now and she's panicking she has pushed it too far.

"Arizona it's fine. I know you weren't propositioning me. We would be a pretty good couple of I wasn't terrified of physical contact. And I do like you I just, I need to be okay with being me for a while, I guess."

We make our way back to the apartment and I check my phone for the first time in about 24 hours. I have so many messages from Meredith making sure I was okay. She also asked what I'm going tonight and whether I'm back at her house. I haven't discussed that with Arizona. I walk towards her room where she is just sat on her bed.

"Meredith is asking what I'm doing later and I don't know what to tell her." I tell Arizona.

"What do you want to do?" she asks me. I really want to stay here, I know Meredith will have so many questions if I go home and then I'll have to deal with the kids and honestly I don't have the energy.

"Would it be okay if I stay here? I ask Arizona. We are both at work tomorrow and I have scrubs in my locker so I don't need anything else." I ask.

"You're welcome to stay here, I just don't have much food in so we would have to order take out. How does Pizza sound?"

"Pizza sounds great. Are you sure I'm not intruding?"

"To be honest Amelia, since Sofia moved in with Callie, I've hated being on my own. The company is nice."

We turn the TV on and try to find something to watch. Arizona flicks on SVU. About 10 minutes into the episode I feel myself begin to panic. I should have trusted myself when I thought watching SVU was a bad idea. I ask her to change the channel but instead she clicks pause. I don't think she realised how much I was panicking because she reached for my hand and I pulled it away.

"Amelia, do you trust me?" she says and I look up but don't answer.

"Amelia, I want to help but I need to know that you trust me and know what's happening." I nod at her. I'm not sure what she is going to do but I know I trust her. She takes a blanket and wraps it around me and holds me as close as she can. I'm almost sat on her but neither of us care. Once I've calmed down a little she shifts our bodies so my head is resting on her lap. I cry for what seems like forever before trying to talk.

"I'm sorry I can't deal with a deep TV show right now, especially not this one." I tell her. She gets the picture and turns the TV to the movie channel. It's got a movie about a dog on it. We don't watch the film but it's background noise. But it's calming.

"Amelia, were you sexually assaulted? You said earlier in your dream 'he' was there. And then you don't feel comfortable around guys and now you just had a breakdown over a tv show when they showed the aftermath of an assault."

I don't deny her suspicions, I just look at her and continue to cry. She knows my secret and she is still here. I don't know why that surprises me so much. She didn't leave when she found out about my cutting and after the nightmares but somehow the fact that she is still here now, it just feels too good to be true.

"I was only 16, I couldn't fight" I tell her. "I tried really hard but he was too strong." I sob.

Arizona POV

I can't believe I didn't work it out sooner. Amelia is one of the nicest people I know and somebody hurt her in the worst way. She was just a kid, she didn't deserve that. And now she struggles to survive on a daily basis. It's not fair. I wish I could take the pain away from her.

"Did you go to the police? " I ask her, still refusing to let her out of my arms. She shakes her head no but keeps crying.

"Have you told anybody?" I ask her. I wait for what seems like an eternity for a reply before I hear her voice.

"Just you, and the doctors when it happened but I only went to be safe. I didn't get all the extra tests. I told them I was 18 so they wouldn't call my mom." she is still falling apart in my arms. "I tried to tell my friend in LA, to comfort her when she experienced something similar but I couldn't get the words out."

I just nod and try to comfort her. I don't know what else I can do but be here.

We sit like that for hours. Neither of us talking just me holding her, protecting her, keeping her safe. It's getting late but I don't want to let her go to bed. I don't want to let go of her tiny body. I try to stifle a yawn but I fail and she hears it.

"You should go to bed, we have work tomorrow." Amelia tells me.

"I want to stay with you" I tell her honestly.

"I can come sit in your room while you go to sleep, I promise I won't disappear in the night" she offers. I'm not sure how the roles have changes, how she is the one comforting me. We walk towards my room with her by my side.

"Amelia, why don't you want to sleep in my room? I promise you're safe here." I say to her. It would make me feel better knowing that she isn't alone.

"It's not you Arizona, it's the dreams. You don't need to hear that. I speak in my sleep and wake up in a panic. It's not fair on you." She tells me this openly, putting my needs before her own.

"Amelia, you told me what happened. You were strong. You don't have to hide anything from me anymore. If you go to sleep in Sofia's room we both know you wouldn't get a good night's sleep. I don't want to force you to stay here but it would make me feel better knowing I would wake up when you need someone."

"Okay," Amelia says in the smallest voice. "Arizona, when I wake up like that it's not pretty. I want to give you a warning. I fell asleep next to James once and I punched him in the eye when he tried to wake me. I don't want to hurt you."

I nod but don't move. I just stay in bed. While she climbs under the covers. She chose to stay on her side of the bed. Honestly after the last couple of days I didn't know if she'd have wanted to be held or not. I respect her choice and turn out the light. Just when I think she has gone to sleep I feel a hand edging it's was towards me. I put my own hand out and she takes it, holding it to her chest like a child with a bear. I'm not sure if she is awake or asleep. I don't know if she's aware of the action but she stops stirring. It's comforting her, and that's okay.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9 Trigger Warnings: Sexual Assault **

* * *

Amelia POV

_Stop it. Please stop it hurts. I don't know who you are. Please don't do that. I'm a virgin please stop. Please. I want to go home NO PLEASE STOP PLEASE DON'T _

"Amelia honey wake up"

"Amelia its Arizona, you're safe"

_No zona not here Stop you're HURTING ME PLEASE SOMEONE HELP. TAKE IT OUT PLEASE_

"AMY it's Arizona open your eyes" I wake up and Arizona is trying to stay away but she's crying.

"I'm sorry did I hurt you?" I ask, still trying to work out what happened.

"No, it's okay. I'm okay, you didn't hurt me" she says but she still looks like she is in pain.

"What's wrong? What did I do. You had to wake me up and you're crying what did I do?"

"You didn't you were just sobbing in your sleep and I tried to wake you but you started talking. I knew it was a nightmare so I kept trying to wake you but I couldn't help. Just come here" she says to me wrapping me up in her arms. Holding me while we both cry.

"I'm sorry" I say to her again. "I tried to warn you. Do you want me to leave?" I ask. I don't want to go but I don't want to cause Arizona pain.

"Amy - Amelia, just stay please, just stay."

I nod and stay in her arms until she sleeps.

I wake up again about an hour before we have to get up thanks to another nightmare. I'm grateful I didn't wake Arizona up this time. I carefully climb out of bed and decide I'll go for a run before work. I grab my phone from the charger and send Arizona a text so she doesn't worry. I run for about half an hour before grabbing some bagels and heading back hopefully in time to wake Arizona. When I get back Arizona is awake and in the kitchen making breakfast.

"You could have woken me" she says, "you didn't have to be alone".

"I know, I just needed some space. I really appreciate you being here for me and helping me out but it's a lot. I've gone from hardly speaking to you to having you know the most intimate issues in my life in 48 hours. I needed to think on my own" I don't want to hurt her feelings but I'm trying really hard to keep myself from falling apart.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think of it like that. Are you okay? What were you thinking about? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to I-"

"Arizona it's fine. I was thinking about us I guess. I woke up from another nightmare but it wasn't as bad as the first and you were just sleeping, and I watched you and I had feelings I didn't know how to process." I smile and take her hand "I'm sorry if I worried you".

"You didn't worry me as such, I just don't like the thought of you suffering alone. Can I ask you what the feeling was?"

I should have seen this coming, I shouldn't have said anything at all. I don't want to scare her away.

"Amelia, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to" she says to me.

It's not that I don't want to talk about it as such. I just don't want things to change.

"I was watching you and it suddenly hit me how much you've done for me, so much more than anyone else and then I wanted to kiss you. But you were asleep and I didn't want to start anything I couldn't finish and my relationships all go to shit because of me and I didn't want to put that on you."

"I know you're not ready, but I wouldn't have minded if you kissed me. I know a relationship isn't what you need at this time but when you're ready, I can be there, or we can stay just friends, whatever you need."

I take her hand and we walk towards the couch to sit down. She wraps her arm around me and we are back in our regular position that's become all to common in the last few days.

" I just don't want to hurt you. All my relationships end badly and I don't want to be the cause of your pain" I'm trying really hard not to cry when I tell her this. She just holds me tighter and won't let go.

"Amelia, did you ever think that maybe your relationships didn't work because you were hurting and they didn't know how to help you? Also, as weird as this sounds, I don't have a penis. From what you've said I guess they cause some issues for you." We both laugh at this statement. "If you want to try us, I promise you won't lose me. Even if it doesn't work out we can go back to just being friends, you can't get rid of me now."

"Arizona? Trying sounds good. Not at this exact moment or anything, but I think we could try sometime, if that's what you want too" I tell her twisting myself out of her arms to look at her. She just nods and pulls me in for a hug. It's what I needed. I think it's what we both needed.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 Trigger Warnings: None. I thought we all needed a lighter chapter :) **

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Amelia POV

An hour later we arrive at the hospital. Back to reality after a few days of insanity. Somehow I feel different now, I know nothing has really changed really, but I told someone about my life and they stayed. I didn't know how much I needed someone in my life until I found Arizona. I thought I was fine on my own. I mean, I survived. I'm probably not the picture of health right now but I got by. Now Arizona is here and everything seems a little lighter. Easier. I don't know how it happened but I don't want it to end.

My shift at the hospital wasn't too bad. I clipped a few aneurysms, checked on all my post op patients looked at a few scans, it was a pretty easy day. I met up with Arizona at lunch. Alex and Mer sat with us for a little while. We made small talk and laughed before going on with our day. When it was time to go I bumped into Meredith with zola. "Aunty Amelia! Are you coming home tonight? You said you would play cards with me 3 days ago."

"Sure Zozo, i just need to go grab a few things and I'll be back in an hour. Make sure you find the good cards okay?"

I text Arizona and to ask if she is ready.

We meet at the exit and head to the car. "So I told Zola I would be back at Meredith's to beat her ass at cards so I can't stay at yours tonight tonight. Do you think you could take me to get my stuff from yours and drop me off at home please?"

"Sure"

I grab my stuff from Arizona's apartment pretty quickly and we head back to the car.

"Will you be okay on your own tonight?" she asks. It's kind of her to think about it, and honestly I slept better with her but I can't break a promise to my niece. "I think I should be fine, I slept better in your arms but I think I can survive on my own." I tell her.

"I know you can survive on your own, you just don't have to. Do you want me to come over later? You can play cards and text me when she's gone to bed?" She's too nice for her own good.

"You don't have to, I mean you can if you want but you have the choice, I'm not the only one who is important." I love spending time with Arizona but I'm causing her pain. She doesn't deserve that.

"I know I don't have to, I want to. Being with you makes me feel better. I'll tell you if I need anything from you, I promise."

"Okay, I'll text you later," I tell her. I jump out of the car at the house, but before I shut the door I lean back in "Thank you Arizona," I say "for everything.".

I step into the house and head through to the kitchen, throwing my bags into my room as I go past. Zola is sat in the sitting room waiting with her cards so I grab us a drink each and to sit down.

"Why did you go away to see Arizona?" Zola asks, "did you have a sleepover?"

"Yep, we had a sleepover. Arizona found me when I was feeling a little sad and she tried to make me feel better." I tell her honestly.

"Do you need a cuddle? They make me feel better when I'm sad." Oh I love this kid.

"Sure, then lets play cards" she jumps into my arms to give me a very wriggly cuddle.

3 hours later we played cards, had food and I tucked Zola into bed. Before heading back to my room to text Arizona. On my way through the house Meredith catches me "Amelia, hey, you alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I reply with a smile, hoping it'll satisfy her enough to leave me alone.

"No reason, you just disappeared for 48 hour and Arizona said you were having a hard time so I thought I would check in."

"I'm fine" I say bluntly "I'm sorry you worried. Arizona is coming over later so we can watch a film together just so you know."

"Okay, just keep it down so you don't wake the kids will you?" I'm not sure if she is just being protective of the kids sleep of if she's scared we are going to keep people awake with loud sex but I just laugh it off.

"Sure, we'll keep it down".


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11 Trigger Warnings: Self Harm**

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Amelia POV

I message Arizona when I get to my room and she arrives an hour later. She texts me from outside and I go to unlock the door. She has a bag in each hand, one seems to be full of clothes and the other has snacks and such. I lead her through to my room and we sit on my bed. It's slightly awkward, neither of us know what to say. For a moment I think maybe I have ruined things by telling her how I felt. Maybe I am just being paranoid.

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" I ask, hoping it'll remove the awkward silence.

"That sounds good, but I have something to give you first" she says getting up and walking towards one of the bags she brought with her. She reaches in and pulls out the glass jar she bought at our middle of the night shopping trip. The jar is no longer empty, but full of small pieces of paper. I look at it and question what it is before looking at Arizona for an explanation.

"When I was younger, my brother left home to fight for our country, but I hated the idea of being at home without him and he gave me one of these. I was supposed to open one every time I missed him, or was feeling sad. I guess I thought I could make one for you, only it's for when you're craving drugs, or want to hurt yourself, or after a nightmare. I don't know if it'll work, but it helped me. Even though I really stupid using it, it made me feel better."

I just look at the jar and hold it in my hands. This is the most thoughtful thing anyone's ever done for me.

"Thank you, I don't know what to say, just thank you for doing this."

"You don't have to use it if you don't want to. I just wanted you to have the option."

"I don't deserve you, you're too good for me." I state whilst shifting my body towards hers. I can't believe in such a short period of time I've begun to find comfort in proximity.

"Amelia, you're worth so much more than you know. You might not believe it right now but know that it's true. You deserve happiness too."

I just shake my head but don't speak. I lean into her embrace and stay where I am.

"Amelia, could I check the cut on your leg to make sure it's healing properly?" she asks me. I shake my head again. I can't let her do that, she said we wouldn't have to talk about it again.

"Amelia, please? I just want to check it's clean, and the stitches are in tact." I lift my head and move my body away from hers. I'm not in the mood to do this. I can't deal with this now. "Arizona, I let you fix my leg but I'm a doctor okay, I've dealt with this before. You said we wouldn't have to speak of it again. Please don't make me." I've stood up from the bed and moved to the wall. I wrap my arms around my body and slide down the wall. I've started crying now and I don't have any control over my emotions. She tried to come sit near me but I move away again. "Amelia, please. Don't push me away." She says, but still being sure she keeps her distance. "I'll never make you do anything you don't want to do, I just worry about you. I would never forgive myself if you got hurt because I didn't help."

"I know I'm sorry. I just can't deal with you looking at that again. It hurt you to look at and I can't hurt you. I don't want you to see me like that. I can't let you see me." I try to explain the best I can, wiping my tears with my sweat shirt.

I rest my head on my knees and try to catch my breath, I can feel the panic attack getting worse and Arizona doesn't know what to do. Even when I try to avoid causing her pain and end up doing exactly what I was trying to avoid. How did things go this badly. "Please don't leave me" I beg her. I see her trying to move towards me. "Don't touch me, just don't leave, please" she sits down a few feet away and watches me struggle to breath.

"It's going to be okay, Amelia" I hear when my breathing starts to regulate. "You're going to get through this. Is there anything I can do right now?" she asks me. I shakily reach out my arm hoping she understands. She puts her hand in my own and uses her thumb to trace patterns on the back of my hand while talking to me about everything and nothing. I'm not sure how long I've been on the floor but Arizona has taken off her leg, it was clearly uncomfortable from where she was sitting. I let go of her hand and move towards the door, but instead of leaving the room I lock the door. "I didn't want you to be disappointed in me" I say no louder than a whisper.

She doesn't say anything she just watches and listens. I lower the waistband of my trousers and I see it register in her brain, start I'm about to show her. I lower the band just enough to show 3 fresh cuts before pulling them back up to the normal position. "Sorry".

Arizona POV

Her eyes are quivering, I hate that I caused this. She said she didn't want this to happen. "It's okay, hey, it's okay" I tell her. "I'm not disappointed in you, showing me that was really difficult for you. You're so strong, Amelia. So strong." I move towards her and sit on the bed, making sure to leave a gap, not wanting to make her spiral again. She looks deep in thought, like she is trying to work up the courage to say something. "What is it?" I ask her, "What do you need?"

"Hold me?" That's all I need to hear. I move closer and sit behind her. I wrap my arms around her waist and hold like my life depends on it.

She is still shaking a little, but overall seems fine. In this position I can feel how skinny and fragile she is. Her body is physically tiny. It's only now that I realise how much Amelia means to me. I've never cared for anybody in this way in my life. I never want to leave her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, caring for her.

We sit there in that position for a while just enjoying each others company. It's getting late and we are both exhausted so I get up to put on my pyjamas. Amelia heads to the bathroom to brush her teeth before coming back to the room. When she gets back I head to the bathroom and get half way there before realising I left my toothbrush in Amelia's room. I get back and lightly knock on the door being careful not to be too loud. I wait a moment before opening the door. She is sitting on the bed in a baggy t-shirt with the covers over her legs. I move towards my bag to get my toothbrush. Once I've brushed my teeth and back in Amelia's room I walk towards the bed. "Are you okay?" I ask while sitting down to remove my leg.

"Could you lock the door before you get in? The kids like to wander on a morning." I nod and move to lock the door. I would be fine if the kids came in in the morning, it's not like we are naked or anything but I guess Amelia wants a little privacy and I respect that.

"Do you need anything else before I take my leg off for the night?" I ask. She shakes her head so I continue to take it off. I opted for long legged pyjama pants because I'm not particularly comfortable with people seeing my stump and with this being a full house, and I didn't know Amelia had a lock I didn't want to chance it. I tuck the extra length of the leg in before getting under the covers.

"You know you don't have to cover it right?" Amelia says to me. She must have been watching me trying to sort out my leg.

"I know, I just don't like having it on show to the world. Not that I mind you seeing it I just, I didn't know how much privacy you had here." Amelia, nods knowingly.

"Can I see it?" she asks. "You don't have to say yes, I just, it's a part of you, so it'll probably look beautiful anyway" I just laugh at the last comment. She is just play flirting but I feels normal, and normal is good. I nod and try to think how to do this.

"Amelia, I have underwear on under my pants but I don't have shorts with me, is that okay?" I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, I know she is probably aware of the fact that I would have to take my pyjama bottoms off to show her but I want to make sure. I see her nod, showing its okay and I carefully take out my leg. We are sat there for about a minute where she is just looking at it. I know she has seen these things before, in med school and hospitals she has worked at. All doctors have. But it's different up close, I have a thick scar and a few faint stretch marks where they have tried to stretch the skin over the stump to stitch it together.

"Can I touch it?" She asks. She is looking at it the same way she looks at me. Everything she does is so gentle, so loving. She traces the scar as far as it goes and studies every inch the stump itself. She runs her fingers up my leg, tracing her nails back down. Taking her time, making sure to stroke it all, studying it all, taking it in. Noone has touched me like this in a long time, it's all love. I trust Amelia, with everything but this is too much. "Stop, please" It comes out as a plead rather than a statement.

"Are you okay?" She asks me, she looks worried.

"I'm more than okay, I just haven't let anyone do that for a while, and I know it was totally innocent but it felt really good and I was starting to get a little turned on and you're not ready for this to be anything sexual so I really needed you to stop. I didn't mean to worry you, I'm sorry." I look at her, hoping I didn't make her feel uncomfortable, I should have thought about that before saying anything. But when I see her face, she is smirking, not uncomfortable at all.

"I like that I can have that effect on you," she says, not even hesitating a little. I shuffle back a little but she just keeps smirking at me. "Arizona, I'm going to kiss you now." It's not what I expected her to say but by the time I've been able to process what she says she has taken my lips in hers and is kissing me. I kiss back, matching her gentle pace, it's not rushed or pressured, just slow, and loving and it's all I ever needed. When she pulls away, I search her eyes for any sign that she is uncomfortable but come up empty. She just curls up beside me. And I turn to face her, only to see that she is drifting off to sleep.

"Thank you" I whisper "for trusting me".


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12 Trigger Warnings: Self Harm / Consensual Sexual Behaviour**

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Arizona POV

Its 3am and Amelia won't stop moving. She is mumbling in her sleep and not calming down. I could wake her up, but I know she doesn't like knowing that she has woken me, she feels guilty. As I'm trying to think of other ways to comfort her without waking her up I remember about her taking comfort in holding my hand. I carefully move the blankets and look under so I can give her my hand I see something unexpected. She is wearing shorts. Last night I didn't notice how she didn't move from under the blankets but it makes sense. I'm so happy she felt safe enough to wear shorts around me. It also makes sense that she asked me to lock the door so kids couldn't walk in. I go to place my hand near hers carefully but she wakes up in a sweat. She grabs my hand harshly, pushing it out of the way. It only takes a moment for her to realise it was me and instead of pushing me away she comes closer. She places her head in the crook of my neck, clutching to my body but eventually going back to sleep.

When I wake up next, it's morning. Amelia has clearly slept better for the remaining few hours of the night. Her head is still tucked in close and her arm thrown across my chest. Her hand is holding onto my right breast, kneading it so slightly every now and then. She wakes up in that position about 45 minutes later. It takes her a moment to realise what she was doing and she pulls her hand back quickly.

"Good morning" I say to her, "I'm guessing you slept a little better for the second half of the night."

"Yeah" she yawns thanks for that. "how long have you been awake?" she mumbles trying to wake up.

"About 45 minutes, being woken by a pretty girl grabbing my boobs wasn't how I planned on waking up, " I joke "but you were comfy so I let you sleep." Clearly embarrassed she disappears under the blankets. I follow her under. It's just light enough to be able to see each others faces under here. "It's okay, I was joking, I mean you did wake me but I was fine with it. It actually felt quite nice," she is smiling now. "Don't worry, I won't tell anybody" I say to her.

Amelia POV

We stay in bed for a little while before deciding to get breakfast. Neither of us start work until 2pm today so we have the morning between us. We head back to my bedroom with coffee and a bagel to split between us. I'm thinking about how we have only known each other for a small period of time and she knows my deepest secrets and yet we know very little about each others' actual lives. "Can we play the question game?" I ask her. It sounds childish but it's an easy way to get to know each other. Arizona raises an eyebrow, as if to question what I'm talking about.

"It's where I ask a question and you have to answer it, but you can choose to not fully answer if you want, the only rule is that you have to finish with a question."

"Okay, I can do that."

We go over all the basic questions. Favourite color, favourite music, food, ice-cream flavours. We keep it light for a while, but then I run out of stupid little questions and ask "Can I kiss you again?" this time Arizona initiates the contact. She is careful to take it slow, but keeping her movements steady and firm. I move my body until I'm straddling her still kissing her in a steady rhythm. I run my hands over her chest slowly, she doesn't have a bra under her top so there is only a single layer of fabric between us. I kiss down her neck slowly, cupping her left breast with one hand, holding myself up with the other.

Arizona POV

"Amelia, we should stop" I say. She looks disappointed but she nods like she understands. "You're not ready for this. I wish you were but you're not, and you have to come first, even if I'm really turned on." I clench my thighs to try and relieve some of the ache that is building between my legs but it just makes it worse. My clit is throbbing and every little movement seems to be making it worse. It's been a while since I've been this turned on and I know it's not going to go away. As I try to turn to get up I keep my legs squeezed tight together, the pressure is almost too much. "I'm going to go to the bathroom, I'll be back in a minute." I tell her trying to move from under the covers. I remember now that I took my pyjama pants off last night. My underwear is soaked through with my juices.

"Are you going to masturbate?" she asks me, it must be clear that I am very turned on right now.

"I'm sorry, I can't just ignore it. It's your fault though, getting all sexy and controlling like that" I tell her as she looks at me with a big smile.

"Get back in bed please?" She begs me with puppy eyes, "you can deal with it here. I know I'm not ready to touch you right now but I want to be there when you cum, I want to watch. Is that weird?" she asks, looking a little more vulnerable than she did a minute ago.

"It's not weird, but are you sure? I trust you to be here with me but I don't want to do anything you'll regret." She knows why I have to check this. I need to be sure it's not too much for her.

"Please get back in bed?" she repeats, showing me she's okay. I climb back into the bed with Amy and get beneath the covers. I know she can't see much of that's going on but we can hear. The noise is pure wet, juices against skin. My odour fills the room. I watch her face as I am getting close, my moans are getting longer and more intense. I'm not sure if there is anyone else in the house but I worry I am getting too loud. She clearly has the same thought as she places her mouth over my own and kisses in a hope that it helps to keep the volume down. After a few minutes I tell Amelia I am getting close. She holds my body against her own as I cum. My body quakes against hers for what seems like forever before slowly coming back to reality.

"That" she tells me, "was the sexiest thing I've ever seen."


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13 Trigger Warnings: Not much, mentions of sexual acts**

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Amelia POV

We stayed in bed like that for about an hour, making small talk. I decide we need to get up, I wanted to go to a meeting and be ready for work later. Arizona offered to take me but I politely declined her offer. I make my way towards the church on my own. I needed time to process what had happened between us. It was a big step for me and although I didn't actually do anything, it was huge. I didn't run. It was scary, but I held it together. I held Arizona when she was most vulnerable. I was okay until I started thinking about reciprocation. I haven't touched myself in years, it always felt wrong. My hands would turn into his and I would feel his breath against me, hear his grunts. It always ended in full blown panic attacks. I can't put myself in that situation. I just can't.

Today's meeting goes on for a little bit longer than usual. When it's my turn to speak I keep it brief. I talk about the cravings, and about Arizona. Once I've finished I go back to my seat, but I zone out instead of listening to the other speakers. I can't stop thinking about this morning. I really like Arizona, I love how much she cares for me but it's too much. When you're an addict, one of the first things you learn is that relationships can put a strain on your sobriety. It's true. Meeting someone new breaks your routine, you have to find time to put someone else ahead of yourself, when in reality, putting yourself first is how you stay sober. It's a rocky slope, all it takes is a slip.

I head back to the house and Arizona is still in my room. She is sat on the bed reading a book. She is wearing her trousers from yesterday with one of my tops from my wardrobe. "Sorry, I needed something to wear until I can put my scrubs on at the hospital," she explains. I just nod in acceptance and sit on the end of my bed.

"You okay?" she asks. It's not as simple as being okay. I'm physically fine, but inside I'm shaking. I don't want to end what we have but I need time to put myself first. I just nod in answer to her question.

"Do you regret it?" She asks referring to our moment this morning. "I shouldn't have put you in that situation, I'm sorry." I shake my head and look up at her.

"Don't be sorry, I basically begged you to stay." I tuck my legs up to my chest before continuing, "It's not that I regret it. I really wanted it in the moment. It was afterwards when I got thinking and I just wished I was normal. I haven't touched myself like that in a very long time and I'm nowhere near ready to. It hurt to think about that and I found myself craving, a lot. I just need to put my sobriety first. I need to stay clean for us to have a chance, that's why I went to the meeting this morning."

Arizona POV

She is still facing away from me at the other end of the bed. She is shaking, looking so vulnerable.

"Amelia, can you look at me?" she just shakes her head and wipes her eyes.

"Okay, then I'm just going to talk okay? What happened this morning was something new for me too. I'd never done that in front of someone else before and although I enjoyed it, it doesn't have to happen again if you don't want it to. And if you need space, that is okay too. Just promise you won't push me away." She doesn't answer but she nods her head a little.

"Okay, I'm going to leave now and give you some space. If you need me at all, you can text or call or some and find me okay? You can take as long as you need. But until you do, I'll see you around at work. Are you still okay to go in today?"

She nods and turns her head towards me. "Thank you for understanding."

I spend my drive home just hoping I've done the right thing. Leaving her there was the most difficult thing I've ever done. When I'm back, I take a shower and wash my hair, just trying to pass the time until I have to leave for work. The time passes so slowly, I'm worried about Amelia but I know she needs her space. I try to read a bit more of my book but find myself reading the same line over and over. In the end I give up and put the book down.

I head to the hospital and get there in about 30 minutes early. I head towards the ward to get caught up on any new patients. It doesn't take long before I get paged 911 to the ER. When I get to the patient there is an unconscious 6 year old female with what seems to be major internal bleeding within her stomach. I send her straight to CT for a scan on stomach, spine and brain and tell an intern to page neuro. Amelia is there pretty quickly and I show her the scans. There is a small bleed on the brain and major bleeding from an unknown origin in the abdominal area. Amelia tells me to book the OR to stop the bleeding on her stomach and to page her as soon as we are done to get another scan.

The surgery goes pretty smoothly, I had to remove one of her kidneys and fix some damage from the liver but she stays stable throughout. Once I'm done I have my intern take her back to CT to page Amelia. I have a scheduled bowel resection now and an exploratory endoscopy in at 6 which should keep me busy until the end of my shift.

By the time I'm finished and head home it's starting to get dark outside. I haven't heard anything from Amelia since this morning, not that I expect to tonight. I'm hoping she doesn't take to long before she gets in touch but I respect that she needs her time. I decide to facetime Sofia, thanks to the 3 hour time difference in New York she is still awake. We talked for about an hour before she had to leave to go to bed. I order some Chinese food and put on a soppy Julia Roberts romcom in the background. I'm not really watching it, I'm thinking about me and Amelia. I really hope I haven't ruined things between us. I drag myself to bed a couple of hours later, knowing I was too worried to sleep. I haven't washed my bedding since she slept here and the pillow still smells of her. I just lay there and hope that sleep will take over my body eventually.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14 Trigger Warnings: MAJOR TRIGGER Graphic Descriptions of Rape / Graphic Descriptions of Self Harm**

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Arizona POV

It's been almost a week since I've spoken to Amelia. I've seen her around the hospital and she looks tired, but seems okay in herself. I kept my promise and I haven't tried to contact her but every night while I try to sleep I just hope she is okay. I hope she isn't struggling on her own.

Amelia POV

_You're hurting me. Please stop I don't want this. No please don't. Don't hurt me please he runs his hands over my body, pinning my down with his own weight. He grabs my wrists holding them down with one arm while I reaches under my shirt, tearing my bra and grabbing my breasts harshly. When I won't stop making noise he shoves something into my mouth. I don't know what it is but I can't get it out. He ties my hands together so I can't move them to fight him and he lifts my skirt up until its over my stomach, removing my underwear with a knife. He pushes his fingers into me and I try to scream but no one can hear me. I feel liquid running down my legs and I know it's blood. He starts to move and I think he's finished but then he repositions, still holding me down. He unzips his jeans and pulls them down a little freeing himself before thrusting into me. It hurts so badly and for some reason I can't move. I try to fight but it's like I'm paralysed. After what seems like an eternity of pain and tears everything goes black. _

I wake up and I can't breath. I can still feel his hands holding touching me, feel his eyes glaring holes in my body. His voice telling me to be a good girl. I unlock my door running towards the bathroom. I hear a loud crash but don't look back. I lock myself in the bathroom and turn the shower onto hot, trying to remove the feel of him from my skin. When the heat doesn't work I shakily reach for my blade, dragging it across my legs multiple times. It takes the pain away a little so I make a few more cuts before sitting under the hot water. The heat hitting my cuts burns, but it's nothing compared to the feel of him on my body. I can hear Meredith banging on the bathroom door but I don't answer. I just sit and cry.

"AMELIA, OPEN THE DOOR. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I don't answer her. "AMELIA I'M GOING TO BREAK THE DOOR IF YOU DON'T ANSWER ME"

"Go away" I say, knowing she won't be at least letting her know I'm alive.

"Amelia you have to open this door." she says, not as loud but still harshly. I can't let her see me like this.

"I'm not letting you in please go away" I sob. I just want her to go,

"I'm not leaving until you let someone in to make sure you're okay" Meredith tells me.

"I'm fine" I tell her, although I'm not convincing myself.

"You were screaming, you've broken things and now you've locked yourself in the bathroom. You're not okay. What can I do to make you open the door?" she is clearly desperate.

"Arizona. Get her here and she can come in."

"Amelia, I have Arizona on the phone. She is on her way but she wants to speak to you. Can you open the door so I can pass you the phone?" I want to speak to Arizona but Meredith could come in if I open the door.

"Amelia" I hear Arizona's voice. Meredith must have put her on speaker phone. "Amelia open the door and take the phone. I know you don't want Meredith to come in and she won't, just take the phone, please. Do it for me." I climb out of the shower leaving it running. I open the door a tiny bit and the phone is put in round the corner. I close the door quickly and pick up the phone. I tuck my body up against the wall and I don't speak, I just listen to Arizona as speak to me. She says she will be another 10 minutes but she is on her way. She continues to give little encouragements and I just stay where I am. I don't have the strength to move. The tears are still flowing down my cheeks when Arizona gets here. I had left the door unlocked when I took the phone so I know she can get in. I hear her outside trying to convince Meredith to let her come in alone. A few moments later I hear her voice again.

"Amelia, I'm coming in okay. Just me." I don't reply I just wait. I see her come in and lock the door behind her, for which I'm eternally grateful.

"Amelia, I'm going to pass you a towel okay?" it's only then that I realise I still don't have any clothes on and my skin is bright red from the hot water. I just nod, but don't reach to take the towel from her, instead I just stay in a ball unable to move. She slowly moves towards me and covers me with the towel, being careful not to touch me. She sits down a couple of feet away, clearly trying not to frighten me.

"What do you need?" she asks me but I just shake my head. I don't know what I need, I just keep crying.

"Can I come a little closer?" she asks. I don't reply so she slowly makes her way towards me.

As soon as she is close enough I grab her hand and pull it towards me.

"Amelia, can I touch you? Just to wrap the towel around you a little better so you don't get too cold." I nod but stay in the same position, knowing that I don't have any underwear on.

She tucks the towel around me stays sat next to me. She reaches for my shorts and pulls them up over my legs. I see her face change slightly when she realised what I have done but she doesn't say anything. She takes my tshirt and pulls it over my head and arms. I'm still soaking wet but neither of us care. She takes the towel that was covering my body and presses it onto my legs, apologising as she does it. I lean into her side and she puts her arm around my neck. Just holding me, but making sure to keep pressure on my legs. I'm not sure how long we have been there when my tears begin to subside.

"I'm sorry" I tell her, not moving from where we are sitting. "It's never been this bad before."

"Can you tell me what happened?" she asks me. I don't even know where I would start. I'm too exhausted.

"Could you help sort my legs first please?" I ask. I don't want to talk about it here, I don't know how much Meredith can hear through the door. She just nods and walks towards the cabinet in the bathroom. She takes the first aid kit and finds the antiseptic spray. There are 8 cuts in total but none of them look deep enough to need stitches.

"I'm going to spray the cuts now okay, it might sting for a moment," she tells me. She clearly remembered how she had to explain what she was doing from last time.

"Okay I'm going to use some gauze to dry the cuts now" she explains quietly.

"You don't have any big enough dressings to cover all of the cuts on your left leg so I'm going to use two" she says as she is sticking them down, then dressing my right leg with the same gentle movements.

Arizona POV

I help Amelia to stand up from the bathroom floor, her body wobbles as she tries to stay balanced so I sit her on the toilet seat while I deal with the mess. I use the towel that I had used to put pressure on the cuts to wipe up the rest of the blood on the floor, it's going to have to go in the trash anyway. Once I've sorted the mess I put the towel in the trash can and take the bag out to put it in the bin. I turn the water off that had been running, blocking out the noise in the room and pick up the razor blade from the floor shower.

"Amelia, what do you want me to do with your blade?" I ask her calmly. My immediate reaction is to remove it, take it away, but I know she would just find another and it may make her more panicked next time.

"There is a box on the top shelf of the cupboard." she tells me. I just nod and put the blade back in its box.

"I'm going to go get you some dry clothes okay? I'll be back in a minute." I head towards the door and Meredith is still waiting outside. She has cleared up the damaged vase so it's safe for the kids when they wake up.

"Arizona I need a straight answer from you. What is going on? Can I go in now?"

"I know you're worried Meredith but I need you to trust me. I'm going to get her some dry clothes and a bottle of water and we will be out in a few minutes and we will sit down with you." I tell her. I told Amelia I'd only be a minute and I don't want to keep her waiting. I turn around to head to her room but Meredith grabs my arm.

"Arizona, look after her, please."

Once I've got her clothes I head towards the kitchen to get a bottle of water only to find Meredith standing outside the bathroom holding a full bottle in her hand. She passes it to me and I take it into the bathroom with the clothes. Amelia is still crying a little but it has slowed. I pass her the water and lay her clothes on the floor. I take a hand towel from the rack and go to stand behind her and rub her hair dry as much as I can to prevent her from getting a cold. Before picking up her clothes.

"Are you okay to change your clothes on your own?" I ask her. I don't want to presume. She says she is so I turn around to give her some privacy.

"Could you help get these on?" she asks after a few minutes. I turn around to see her struggling to get her sweat pants over the dressings. I help her sort them out and she sits back down with her bottle of water.

"So I know this isn't really what you want to hear" I start "but Meredith hasn't moved from outside the bathroom and she wants an explanation. Of course it's up to you what you want to tell her, but you need to say something."

"I guessed this was coming. It's okay, I'll tell her as much as she needs to know. Can you stay with me?" I smile and take her hand.

"I never planned on leaving you".


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15 Trigger Warnings: Death of a Parent**

This chapter will involve talk of a few characters from private practice but you do not have to have seen the show to understand.

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Amelia POV

We are sat in Meredith's sitting room. Me and Arizona on one couch and Meredith on the other. I'm holding onto Arizona's hand tighter than I've ever held anything before. I wait for Meredith to say something because I have no idea where I would begin.

"So, " Meredith begins. "What on earth is going on?"

I look to Arizona for encouragement, she gently squeezes my hand and nods to tell me to talk.

"I erm, I guess I'll start with last week. I was at one of my usual narcotics anonymous meetings and it didn't go to plan. I was already having a bad day and then I broke down when I was supposed to be taking to the group and I left, I couldn't deal. I decided to hit another meeting in the afternoon but I wasn't feeling well enough to drive so I took a bus. When I was waiting for the bus to head home Arizona found me. She took me to her apartment rather than back here and we talked a bit. I ended up staying over in Sofia's room." I lean closer into Arizona's side, not bothered that Meredith is watching.

"I, I have nightmares, a lot, and Arizona found out. She has been helping me deal with them. She still is. I know you're just worried about me but I'm not ready to tell you everything yet. But I'm trying to get better. I'm trying." Arizona is rubbing my arm up, comforting me.

It's quiet for a while, Meredith is the first to reply.

"I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could trust me with this, but I'm glad you are letting Arizona in."

"It's not you I don't trust" I whisper "I've never been close to anyone. I've always been alone. I didn't plan on letting my guard down for Arizona, it just happened. I'm glad it did, but it's hard. She still doesn't know everything yet." I look at her, and all I see is love in her eyes.

"You're not alone Amelia, you're never going to be alone again." she tells me.

"Arizona's right, Amelia. You're family. So you two really aren't sleeping together?" Meredith asks trying to lighten the mood.

"We, we are taking things slow." Arizona answers for me.

Slow is good.

We decide to head back to Arizona's before the kids wake up. It's only just gone 6am and I know neither of us have had a good sleep. I put all the necessities into a bag, including the jar Arizona gave me. We quietly leave the house and drive back to the apartment.

"Do you want to get some more sleep?" I ask her. I stole half her night away from her, I feel bad for waking her up.

"Would you go back to sleep if we went to bed?" She asks me. I shake my head. I know after a nightmare this bad I won't sleep again.

"Okay, then we won't go to sleep. Do you want anything to eat or drink?" she asks.

"Cocoa?" I ask hopefully. Arizona just nods and smiles heading towards the kettle. She makes us a cup of hot Cocoa each, she even put marshmallows on top which made me smile.

She asks me whether I want to sit on the couch or in the bedroom, and I choose the couch. It's safer there.

"What I said to Meredith, about you not knowing everything, it's true you know?" I want to be honest with her.

"I know" she tells me "and I'm fine with it. You don't have to tell me everything, I'm fine with not knowing, I just want what's best for you. Whatever you decide to tell me is up to you, but I will listen whenever you need, okay?"

"I want you to know everything. If we want a chance for us to work, I need you to know everything. I've thought about it a lot over this last week. I just don't like talking about a lot of it. It makes it real." I try to explain. I wish there was an easier way to do this but I know there isn't, not really.

"Okay, just don't feel pressured. How about I ask some questions and you can decide whether or not you want to answer." It's a good suggestion. I know she would never pressure me to talk about anything I don't want to. I finish my cocoa and put the mug on the table.

"How would you feel most comfortable?" she asks me. I get up and go to the bed room quickly and come back with a blanket. I go sit next to Arizona, curling up into her side, with my legs tucked up against my body, pulling the blanket over us both. "Is this okay?" I ask her, resting my head against her chest.

"This is perfect" she tells me. "Do you want to tell me what happened this morning?"

"I had a really bad dream, can we not talk about it right now?" I ask her. I know she will be fine with it, but I still felt the need to ask.

"Of course. Can you tell me about your childhood?" I'm not sure why this question surprises me so much, but it's something we had never spoken much about our families.

"I am the youngest of 5 siblings. There was me, Derek and 3 sisters. All doctors. Until I was 5, everything was pretty normal. My mom and dad both worked. My mom was a nurse and my dad had a small corner shop. Me and Derek liked to hang out there sometimes. One day, not long after my 5th birthday, two men came into the shop. Me and Derek were sat on the floor behind the counter. I don't remember much of what happened before I heard my Dad yelling. He was emptying the counter and handing it all to a man. But it wasn't enough and the man wanted his watch. My mom had given him that watch and had it engraved for him. When he wouldn't give it to the man he was shot. I tried to get to him but Derek held me back and had his hand over my mouth so I couldn't make a noise. The ambulance came 5 minutes later but it was too late. After that my mom was pretty absent. Derek made sure I had what I needed, he made me food, took me to school, tucked me in on a night but at the end of the day, he was just a teenager. I figured out how to be alone a long time ago. I didn't have any friends. I had a few encounters with girls but it never meant much, I think it was just me exploring my sexuality. I got through it though. I didn't need much. "

"I'm sorry you had to go through that. I wish I could change what happened." she tells me. I know what she means, I would give anything to have had my dad alive. I always thought that maybe if he was alive I would have had a normal childhood, I would have been happy, had friends around me, and maybe I wouldn't have been at that party alone. But to be honest, who knows if that would have changed anything. What if I was born this way, what if God, or the universe had my path determined long before I was here. I don't know. But if it didn't happen I might not have been here with Arizona, so at least something good came out of it.

"Thanks, I think he would have liked you" I tell her honestly.

"Who else knows about Christopher?" she asks me. This is an easy question, it's just the facts.

"Well, everyone at the practice knew. Addison was the one who found out. She had to tell me about it. I'm not sure if you met Cooper and Charlotte when they were here. Coopers son's mom had a tumour. Me and Derek removed it here at Grey Sloan. Then there was Violet, Pete and Sheldon. Sheldon tried to be there for me after Christopher died but then he got diagnosed with cancer, he had his own problems to deal with. Addison wanted to tell Derek but I asked her not to. James knew, I told him after I had a panic attack but we never really spoke about it. "

"That's understandable, do you stay in touch with them? Now you're in Seattle?"

"Addison still texts me at least once a week, sometimes she calls instead. Sometimes Charlotte would call me if she is having a bad day. She was an addict too so we went to meetings together sometimes. I don't get as many phone calls since she had triplets. Three babies is a lot to handle, I guess."

"I can imagine." she tells me. I wish I could.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16 Trigger Warnings: Self Harm / Mentions of Drug Abuse**

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Arizona POV

We put the Disney movie channel on and stay on the couch for most of the morning. We watched The Parent Trap and Beauty and the Beast before deciding to get up to get some food. We have some sandwiches for lunch, we don't talk about anything, we just eat. I don't have many groceries in so we decide to walk to the store. Amelia asked me if she could cook dinner and I agree, she gets some chicken and spices, as well as some vegetables to make a salad. I get a few other groceries I know I need and we head to the checkout.

"I didn't know you could cook" I tell her as we are walking back.

"It's a secret, if Meredith and Maggie found out I would be expected to cook for us all. Besides, I only really make 3 meals. When I was in rehab they had cookery classes, not much just enough to help people get by in the real world. It was optional and most the people who went were teenagers but I went anyway. It was peaceful." she tells me.

I didn't know she went to rehab. It makes sense but I was trying not to ask too much about the drugs. I'm taking things slowly, not wanting to rush her into taking about things she isn't ready for. When we get back we put the shopping away and head back to the couch.

Amelia POV

"Have you heard of Systematic Desensitisation? I ask Arizona. She shakes her head indicating she hasn't. "It's a psychological technique to help deal with phobias. It's basically trying to reverse condition a person's behaviours so they no longer feel afraid of a stimulus." I explain. "I was hoping you would help me try it. I don't want to be scared of contact anymore, I want to be able to make love to you. I know it'll take time but I want that. I want us."

I don't expect Arizona to agree straight away. It's a lot to ask from a person. She looks deep in thought.

"I don't want to put yourself in a situation you would be uncomfortable with. I want us too but after the ordeal this morning, I just don't want to hurt you." she looks a little uncomfortable right now, I don't think she knows how to feel.

"I know, that's the thing. In systematic desensitisation, make a list of all the things that scare you and put them in order, from those that cause little amounts of fear, like butterflies, to the really scary ones. That way we would gradually introduce new things, being careful not to push the limits. As soon as I feel uncomfortable we just go back to the step before. You don't have to if you don't want to, I just thought it would be a good thing to try."

"So we start by making a list?" she asks. "Okay, we can try it"

Arizona gets up to get a pen and some paper before coming back to sit down.

"So we start with something that's not too scary right?" I nod. I think about where we should start, I guess it would be sitting like we are now. At first that was scary but now not so much.

"Being held. Like you are holding me now." she writes It down, rubbing her hand up and down my arm.

"I think the next one would be kissing." she accepts and writes it down.

"Okay, what now?" she asks.

"telling you about that night." I say. "I know you said I don't have to, but in order for this to work, I think you need to know it all." She takes a shaky breath and writes it on the list.

"Having you see my body, like me getting changed. I know you have seen my legs, and you saw me pretty naked this morning, but it wasn't out of choice."

"Okay" she smiles at me. She knows how big of a step this would be.

"Making out in the bedroom, but I guess there are a few steps to this one." I tell her.

"What do you mean?" She asks me, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"I guess, the easiest would be fully clothed, then with loose clothes like, pyjama clothes because I don't wear a bra to sleep."

She nods and writes is down, before continuing what I was saying. "So I'm guessing making out in underwear would be next?" I nod my head, indicating that she is right.

"I erm, I guess after this, it's more your side?"

"What do you mean?" she looks confused.

"I think, having you touch yourself, and me touching you would be easier than having anybody touch me. But it's only if you're okay with it, I don't want you to feel like I'm using you, I just, I don't know." I thought this would be easier than it is. I know Arizona would do anything I ask her to, I just don't want to make out that my needs are more important than hers, I know I'm doing this as a way to make me more open, and comfortable in my body but I wanted it to be something we would both enjoy.

"Amelia, I want to help, I do. So whatever you need, we can work it out." She put her hand on my cheek and turns my head so I'm looking at her "and have fun doing it." I fight the tears that are threatening to fall.

"Thank you." I say. I reach up to cup her face before leaning in to kiss her. Its slow, and gentle but it means everything. When it's over I rest my forehead against hers and appreciate the moment. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

"I guess we can cross ticking off the list huh?" she tells me. I laugh, it's true.

"Yeah, we can."

Once the list was finished I had to the kitchen to start preparing food. Arizona offers to help but I opt to work alone, cooking is one of the things I can do alone, it's therapeutic in a way. I put some music on while I'm working and Arizona devices to go in the shower. When gets back, I am starting to serve the food and humming along to the music. She is so pretty, I am so lucky to have her in my life. I pass her a plate of food and we sit down. We don't talk much, we just leave the music on and enjoy each others company. Once we have eaten, Arizona starts to clean the dishes. I check my phone and reply to a message from Meredith, telling her I'll be staying at Arizona's tonight so she knows not to expect me home. I have decided I'm going to tell Arizona about everything tonight. I know it's going to be hard but it needs to be done. After last night she needs to know, I don't want to talk in my sleep and have her finding out details on her own, it needs to be on my terms.

"Arizona?" I say to get her attention, "Could you redo the dressings on my legs before bed? I need to see what happened. I know it was bad but I can't quite remember."

"Sure" she says putting the last of the dishes away. She goes into the cupboard to get the first aid kit out. "Where do you want to do it?" I decide the bedroom is most comfortable. I pick up my bag of stuff that I brought with me to take to the bedroom. I put the jar on the bedside table and take a pair of shorts out of my bag.

"It worked you know?" I tell Arizona. She looks up from the freshly stocked first aid kit. "The jar you gave me, it worked. Until last night, it helped me get through after the nightmares."

"I'm glad" she says, looking back down at the first aid kit. I change into some shorts while Arizona isn't watching. I sit on the edge of the bed and take the dressings off my leg. I didn't realise how out of control I was.

"You okay?" she asks me. "Do you still want me to do this? You can do it on your own if you want." she offers.

"It's okay, just, I want to watch what you're doing." I move back a little and watch her as she wipes around the cuts. A couple of them are a little wider than the others so she puts some sterristrips down to help them heal. She reaches into the bag to get some clean dressings but I stop her.

"They'll heal quicker if they get some air. I'll put dressings on before I go to sleep." I think this surprises her, I've always been careful to keep my legs hidden but I'm trying to be more open with her. "Could you just, try not to look at them? If I leave them visible." Of course she agrees. She comes to sit on the bed with me.

"What are you thinking about?" She asks.

"I want to tell you everything."


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17 Trigger Warnings: MAJOR WARNING Detailed Description of Sexual Assault / Self Harm / Mention of Attempted Suicide / Mention of **

**Drug Abuse **

**Very Detailed Chapter, please read with caution. If you need to talk to someone ****please message me. **

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Arizona POV

"Okay, where do you want to start?" I ask her. I know this is really hard for her, and she needs me to know what happened but I'm not sure I'm prepared to hear what she has to say. Over the last couple of weeks Amelia has become such a huge part of my life and I hate to see her in so much pain. I would do anything to take it away from her but I can't. She has come so far, and I'm so proud of her but now it's my turn to be strong, and listen to her. She gets a pillow and holds it against her chest and sits up against the back of the bed.

"Can I have your hand?" I give her my hand but don't say anything. I don't want to interrupt. "I have never told anybody this before, so just bear with me." I nod and rub her hand and wait for her to begin.

"I told you that after my Dad was killed I was pretty much a lone wolf. As I was getting older, people were mean and I just ignored them. I didn't let them get to me. Just before summer of 10th grade there was a big house party, everyone was going. I decided I would go just to prove that I could, that I didn't need friends to be happy. When I got there I received some strange looks but I didn't care. Someone handed me a drink, I'd never been to a party before so I didn't think much of it. After a while I started to get nauseous, I guess someone had spiked my drink. I tried calling Derek but he didn't answer. I don't blame him, he was in med school and had his last set of finals before graduation. I decided to walk home. It was only about 15 minutes away, I'd walked it hundreds of times before on my way to school. I was feeling super lightheaded when someone grabbed my arm. I err, I was dizzy and didn't know what was happening until he had me pinned down behind the library. The irony was that I used to study at that library all the time but I never went back after this. I was trying to fight but my body didn't respond like it should have. I was too weak. I know now it was probably the spiked drink but at the time I just felt small, like I should have been stronger. I never stopped trying to fight. He had my arms pinned above my head with one arm and he tore my bra and started groping me with the other. He was scratching me with his nails and grabbing my breasts. I tried to scream but he shoved something in my mouth."

Her body is shaking, I pass her a bottle of water from my bedside table. I go to wipe her tears away with my thumb, she flinches at first but allows me to do it.

"Do you want to take a break?" I suggest, to give her time to compose herself.

"No, if I stop I know I won't continue." she says shakily. "He taped my hands together with duct tape, I guess he didn't plan on me trying to fight back. Maybe it's because I didn't finish the drink, I'm not sure. He pulled my skirt up and used a knife to remove my underwear. He, ran the knife across my stomach, not hard enough to cut but it made me more scared than I already was. He shoved his fingers into me. I'm not sure how many fingers but the pain was unbearable. I was a virgin, I had let my girlfriends touch me before but never inside. I felt blood running down my legs but I couldn't move my body, it was like I was paralysed. It doesn't take long until he stopped and he started to move. I remember thinking he was finished, I thought he was going to leave but he was just repositioning. He started kissing my face while I cried, he told me I was being a good girl. The next thing I know he is unzipping his pants and he pushed himself into me. It felt like I was being torn apart from the inside. There was a really sharp pain when he started moving, grunting over me. Not long after everything went black. I think I should be grateful I don't remember anything else. The next thing I know I'm waking up without underwear, he left the bra but the panties were gone, I guess he took them. He had taken the fabric out of my mouth but my wrists were still bound. I bit the tape and used my mouth to untie it and limped home before my mom was out of bed.

She has been staring into the middle of nowhere for a couple of minutes, not saying anything. There is a steady flow of tears running down her cheeks. And she is gripping onto my hand tighter than she ever has before.

"Amelia, sweetie, you're so strong. Okay. I'm not going to leave you. We can stay here for as long as you need. I'm here. Can I get you anything? What do you need?" I keep whispering words of encouragements, wishing I could take her pain away.

"I want to run. I want drugs. Arizona, I really want drugs." She is sobbing so hard that her breaths keep hitching.

"I know, I know you do. But you can't. I'm not letting your throw your life away like that. You can get through the pain. Deep breaths. You can do it. Amelia, can I touch you? I promise I'm not going to hurt you but I need your permission." I watch her for any reply. Instead of replying she moved her body towards my mine. I hold her tight, refusing to let go until she has calmed down. I'm not sure how long we have been sat there when she starts speaking again.

"When I was supposed to be leaving for school the next morning, I went to the hospital instead. On the way out of the house my mom asked why I was limping, I told her I had twisted my ankle and she thought nothing of it. At the hospital I told them I was 18 and that I wanted to stay anonymous so they couldn't tell my mom what had happened. The nurses kept trying to tell me to get a rape kit but I said no. I just wanted them to treat my injuries. I had to have stitches, a lot of them and they gave me some oxycodone because I had broken ribs. When I took the drugs I felt numb, not just the physical pain. It stopped me feeling the emotional pain. At first I thought it was normal, nobody ever paid me enough attention to notice anyway. He had given me 28 tablets. That's where the drugs started. When I was high, it was like the rape never happened, it was when I came back down that it hurt most. So I didn't. A few months later I crashed Derek's car and he found a prescription I forged using his prescription pad. I ran away that evening, terrified of what he would do or say. My Mom called the police the next day when they couldn't find me. When they found me I was high, threatening to jump from the roof of my friends house. Derek talked me down and he helped me get clean. I told him a friend from school had got me hooked. I didn't say a name but he accepted it. He never treat me the same again. I don't blame him. I never was the same. It was when I got clean that the nightmares started. He thought I was still getting high and made me go to NA meetings. It was hard at first but it was worth it. I stayed clean and got through med school.

"Thank you for trusting me." I say to her, still holding her as tight as I can. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that but you're so strong. You got through it, and I'm so glad you did because I have you here now. I don't know what I would do without you." I mean it. I mean every word. I stroke her hair out of her eyes, kissing the top of her head.

"What happened this morning?" I ask her, not letting go for a moment.

"Normally I wake up from the nightmare before he manages to actually, you know, do anything too bad. This morning was different, I was there all the way through it. It was like I was back behind that library. I knew it was a dream but I couldn't wake up. Everything hurt. I just wanted the pain to stop for a moment. I felt everything he was doing, it was so real. It hurt so much."

"You're okay now. I'm here and I'm never going to let anybody hurt you again, I promise."

We both have work at 9am tomorrow so we decide to get some sleep knowing that neither of us got much rest last night. I get out of bed to brush my teeth, on the way to the door I get some dressings out and pass them to Amelia. The last thing she needs is them breaking open and getting infected. Amelia is outside the bathroom when I'm done, she has put the dressings over her cuts and has her toothbrush in hand. I go back to the bedroom and wait for her to come back. She follows a few minutes later, climbing into her side of the bed.

"Amelia, can you try something for me?" I ask. She looks up and waits for me to continue. "If you wake up from a nightmare tonight, could you wake me? If it doesn't help you don't have to do it again but I meant what I said about you not being alone." I tell her. She nods her head agreeing but looks nervous.

"Could you hold me tonight?" she asks me.

"I would love to."


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18 Trigger Warnings: Sexual Assault **

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Amelia POV

"Arizona" I say a little louder. "Arizona please wake up. Please let go of me?"

"Hmm?" she mumbles, starting to stir.

"Let me go, please. I can't breath"

Arizona quickly loosens her grip, realising what is happening. I shuffle backwards until I'm sitting up against the headboard. It's still dark out so it can't be later than 5am. I try to take some deep breaths, they come out shaky but I keep them slow.

"Amy, you're okay. I know it feels scary right now but you're going to get through it. Can you tell me what you need?" I don't know what I need. She asked me to wake her but I don't know. "Can I touch you?" She asks, this has become a common for her to ask. I shake my head without looking up at her.

"Do you want me to leave?" I shake my head again. That's the last thing I need. I know I only woke her because I promised I would but now that she is up I can't let her go.

She turns the light on, still not moving towards me. She just sits and waits.

"Arizona, keep talking please. It helps" I say this so quietly I was unsure if she heard. A few moments later she starts saying encouraging words. Not much but little comments so I knew she was there. When she ran out of things to say she started telling me a story. It must have been one of Sofia's favorites because she knows every word. Once she has finished I look up and she passes me the bottle of water from her bedside table.

"Are you okay?" She asks me again a few minutes later.

"I will be." and for the first time, I believe I can be.

We sit on the bed like that for a while before Arizona breaks the silence. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asks me.

"It started as a good dream, I haven't had a good dream in years. We were on a date, I even wore a dress, which is something I never do. We got back and started making out on the couch, we were both really into it so we decided to take it to the bedroom. You unzipped my dress and I fell back onto the bed. You joined me and we kept kissing. I felt sexy with your hands on me. I know that's not really relevant but I've never felt like that before. I rolled us over so I didn't feel trapped and we kept making out. I was so caught up in the moment that I didn't hear him coming up behind us. We hadn't turned the lights on so we didn't see him either, I couldn't see his face but I knew it was him. He grabbed me by my hair and turned on the light so he could see me. He saw the scars on my legs and told me I was worthless and nobody would ever love me. He pinned me down and made another cut on my leg, it was deeper than the others, too deep. I knew it was bad but in the moment I was more scared of dying than I was of him. I didn't want to leave you. You've given me a reason to keep living, and that scares me."

I don't fully realise what I have said until I've said it but I look up and Arizona is crying.

"I'm sorry, was that too much?" I ask her.

"These are happy tears." I look to her for a better explanation. "I hate the thought of what happened to you, I do. But what you've just told me is you believe that you have worth. I know you still struggle with confidence but you know you deserve to be here. And that means so much to me. So so much."

"Really?" I ask her.

"What he said to you about no one ever being able to love you, you know it's not true right? I love you, and he can't take that away."

"It's only been 2 weeks and you're already confessing your love to me? Wow you must be desperate." I say laughing at her. "But I know what you mean, I can't imagine my life without you in it either."

I get out of bed to go to the toilet before getting back under the blankets. Arizona turns off the light and we lay facing each other. There is just enough light from the street lamp near the window for us to make out each others features. I reach my hand out to move her hair from her eyes and move to take her lips in my own. I move slowly and she matches my pace. I hold head, keeping it close to mine and she reaches out towards me but withdraws her hand.

"It's okay, I'm not going to freak out, you can touch me." I tell her, continuing our make out session. I take her hand that lays on the bed and hold it between us. She reaches out caressing my neck with the other, moving it down until it rests in the crook of my back. When we stop for air, I rest my forehead against hers.

"What you said earlier, about loving me, I'm not ready to say it back yet but I want you to know how much you mean to me. You mean the world to me, I never want to be without you again."

"It's only been two weeks and you already want to spend the rest of your life with me? Wow you must be desperate." She says mimicking my words from earlier.

"Go away." I laugh, giving her a small push and rolling over.

"Never." she tells me wrapping her arms around my waist. "You're stuck with me now." I smile, I know she's right and I wouldn't have it any other way.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19 Trigger Warnings: Mild mentions of Bullying and self harm**

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Arizona POV

"Arizona, Arizona wake up" I hear Amelia ask. I roll over to see on her sat up on the bed next to me.

"What's wrong? What time is it?" I ask her.

"It's 7:30. I just got 2 and a half hours of sleep with no nightmares. None. I woke up because it was light out. That hasn't happened in as long as I can remember." She says this grinning at me.

"Congratulations. That's great news," I tell her while I sit myself up. "I'm proud of you."

She kisses me before moving herself to sit by my side, leaning in for a hug. "It's because of you, y'know. I know talking about all this has caused some pretty bad breakdowns but I'm getting better, because of you. I'm so glad you're in my life." I smile at her. I will never get tired of hearing that.

"I think you underestimate how much you're doing to get this improvement," I tell her. "You're doing all the hard work. You let me into your life, I just gave you a push in the right direction." She nods, knowing I'm telling the truth.

"You say that like it's nothing, but nobody else managed to get this far. I know it's probably because I pushed them away but you never let that happen. You're taking my walls down brick by brick and you're not scared of what's behind them. You stayed and that is everything to me." I kiss the top of her head and she turns around to look at me. "Arizona, will you be my girlfriend? Like officially?"

"Amelia, I would love you be your girlfriend."

Amelia POV

We walk into the hospital holding hands, it's strange but I think like it. I notice a few people looking at us but it doesn't bother me. We head to the attendings locker room to get changed. I normally change in the toilet but instead I let Arizona watch to make sure nobody was coming. When our shifts start we make plans to meet at lunch and head to our separate wards.

I do a quick check on the patients I have listed for surgery today before heading to the OR.

I meet up with Arizona as planned in the cafeteria for lunch. She is there before me so I head over to join her "Hey babe, how was your morning?" I go to ask but burst out laughing before finishing my sentence.

"Babe… really?" Arizona is clearly cringing at the term of endearment but joins me in laughing about it.

"Yeah, as soon as I said I realised how weird it sounded" I explain. "It could have been worse, at least I didn't say baby."

"Yeah, that would have been a deal breaker" she wheezes, gasping for air through the laughter. We are laughing so hard we are probably drawing attention to ourselves but neither of us care. By the time we calm down we manage to make eye contact and fall apart laughing again. We manage to bring an end to the laughter when Webber approaches our table. "So it's true, you two are dating?"

"Wow, news travels fast. How'd you hear?" I ask him.

"Interns, you know what they're like for gossiping. Can I speak to you for a second?" He stands up and moves away like he expects me to leave Arizona.

"Richard it's fine, whatever you want to say you can say in front of Arizona." I tell him honestly.

"I wanted to check you were going to meetings. Meeting someone new can trigger cravings and-"

"and then you slip." I say finishing his sentence for him. It's a well known verse at AA meetings we are all taught it.

"I'm fine, better than fine even. But if it makes you feel better I will come to a meeting with you tonight." I tell him. "Meet me outside after work?"

"Sure, sounds good," he says as he walks away.

Arizona POV

"Are you wanting picking up from your meeting tonight?" I ask Amelia as we are packing up our lunch to head back to work.

"Actually I was thinking I would head back to Meredith's tonight, so I can walk. But if you wanted to come round for dinner you could, if you're ready for that." She offers

"Dinner sounds great, text me the details?" I ask, knowing I probably won't see her before the end of work.

"Will do."

As I am heading up to the paediatric floor I get pages to the ER. There is a 14 year old female who has been brought in by a teacher after she was attacked. I don't know any more than that. When I get there she looks terrified. She is clenching her stomach but has notable bruises on her hands. I look at her chart and see her white blood cell count and CRP are elevated. Her heart rate is also faster than expected, but it's probably just due to stress before moving to examine her.

"Do they all have to be here?" She asks, referring to the interns in the room. I send them away before continuing.

"What's your name?" I ask despite already knowing it from checking the chart.

"Abbie"

"Okay Abbie, I'm Arizona" I introduce myself "I'm going to lift up your shirt a little, can you point to where it hurts?"

I examine her stomach and see evidence of hemorrhaging around her ribs and right side of her stomach but see no sign of infection.

"Abbie, do you feel ill? Or have any open wounds because the blood test results here suggest you have some sort of infection that your injuries don't account for."

"You can't tell my parents anything I say right? Doctor patient confidentiality?"

"Normally that would be the case. There are a couple of exceptions, like if you're being abused, or know anybody who is I would need to tell the police. Also if you are using drugs, according to the state of Washington I have to inform your parents. Other than that, doctor patient confidentiality applies to everything because you are over the age of 13." I explain.

She lifts up her left sleeve to show me a vicious history of self harm scars. There is a large bandage over the top of her forearm. I ask if I can remove it and she agrees. When it is removed I see a large area of inflammation, the wound itself has started to heal which normally would be a good thing but with infection, you want it to be able to escape. The longer it's trapped in the body, the more likely it is to spread to the bloodstream.

"Okay Abbie, I'm going to drain the infection and then get you started on some IV antibiotics. I'm afraid you'll have to stay overnight tonight but if your bloods look better tomorrow we can switch you to oral antibiotics and you can head home. Let me go and see if I can get us into a side room rather than a bay okay?"

Once we have moved, I collect the things I'm going to need to drain the infection and ask a nurse to come join us. As I am injecting the local anaesthetic she looks to me before saying

"Aren't you going to ask why I do it?"

"My job is to treat you right now, not ask you questions. When you leave, I was going to give you some leaflets showing places where you can get help. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." I explain. "If you want to tell me you can, but I don't need to know anything right now."

Once it has kicked in I remove the scab from the infected cut and use a syringe to collect all the infection I can. I then rinse the cut with an antibacterial wash before replacing the dressing.

"I'm gay," she tells me. "That's why people did this too," she says referring to her stomach.

"There's nothing wrong with being a lesbian." I tell her, "and it is definitely not a reason for somebody to hurt you,or for you to hurt yourself for that matter."

"I go to a strict Catholic school. I can't be myself there, they would kick my out. My parents worked their asses off to pay for me to go there, I don't want to let them down." She is torn between living her life and living the life her parents want for her. I remember being in that situation.

"It will get better." I tell her as I get the ultrasound machine out to check the bleeding in her stomach. "But the first step is accepting yourself."

"What do you know about it?"

"I am a happy lesbian women. I have a good job, a daughter, friends. I know you're hurting now but things will get better."

I continue to converse with Abbie and she decides she wants to move schools. I tell her we will have to call her parents anyway as she is staying in overnight. We don't have to discuss her treatment but they should be here. I move her up to the paediatric floor and tell her I'll be back to check on her later.

Before heading home at the end of the day I went back to check on Abbie.

"I told my parents" she reveals when I open the door. "They said if I get through this semester I can change schools. They also said they knew about my sexuality a while ago."

"Congratulations. I told you it would get better." I exclaim.

"I haven't told them about my arms yet, but do you have those leaflets? I think I want to get help, I want to stop, I just don't know how."

I take out the leaflets I had in my pocket and hand them to her. She puts them in her school bag and thanks me. Cases like this are tough but I know I've done the right thing. She smiles at me as I leave the room. "Thank you, for everything."


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20 Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Self Harm**

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Arizona POV

I head back to my apartment not knowing what time I should get to Meredith's for dinner. I go to collect Amelia's stuff that I know she has left here. I'm not sure what the plan is tonight but I don't want to be driving back and forth when she realises she doesn't have her things. I take a shower and while I am getting dry I notice a funny mark on the side of my cupboard. It doesn't take me long to realise it's a small amount of blood. I carefully reach up finding Amelia's blade on the top of the cupboard. I get it down and think about how to deal with this. It's pretty dusty up there so I know the chance of infection if she used it would have increased. Once I am dry I head to the kitchen to get a small box. I clean the razor and the box and put it in the cupboard. Where the razor had sat I left Amelia a note.

**"The blade is in the yellow container on the top shelf of the cupboard. Before you do it have you woken me? Can you take a note from the jar? You're not alone. If you still need to cut that's okay but if you can try to wake me after. It'll be okay. Xx"**

Half an hour later I had spoken to Amelia and am on my way over to meet her for dinner. I pull up outside and am greeted by Zola and Bailey who open the door as I am getting out of my car.

"Auntie Melia asked us to let you in when you got here!" Zola takes my hand and pulls me into the house.

"She said it was our special job! Did we do good?" Bailey asks tugging at my top.

"You did very well" I tell Bailey as I take him hand I'm my other. "Where is your Auntie Amelia?"

"Here" I look up and Amelia is standing in the doorway to the kitchen. She is so beautiful, her hair has been let down and she is wearing a fitted long sleeved top that hugs her curves in all the right places. "Hi."

The kids have moved into the kitchen and are helping Maggie make the table.

"You look beautiful." I tell her leaning in to kiss her. She places her hand on the back of my neck and I rest my forehead against hers. She takes my hand and we head through to the kitchen to join the others.

"Can I do anything to help?" I ask Meredith as she is plating up the food.

Dinner passes fairly smoothly, we get a few questions from Maggie about our relationship but we keep things simple. Amelia and myself offer to sort the dishes while Meredith takes Ellis and Bailey to get ready for bed. Maggie is occupying Zola which leaves us with some space to ourselves. "Are you staying here tonight?" Amelia asks me as we finish up putting dishes away.

"I didn't want to presume anything. I brought some of your stuff you left at mine with me though as well as a bag of my own clothes just incase."

"You should go get that bag, I don't want you to leave tonight," she says smiling at me.

I head to the car to get the bags before going back to Amelia's room to find her laid on her front sprawled across the bed on her laptop. She looks happy, nobody would know how much she hurts on a daily basis just looking at her.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asks rolling over to look at me.

"Sorry, I had a tough case at work and I just, I'm grateful to have you in my life." I try to explain.

"Tell me about it, the case I mean."

"14 year old female, kids at school beat her up because she was gay, I checked her out and there was some pretty bad bruising but she was fine. The issue was her infection markers were up, when I questioned her about it she showed me a trail of scars from self harming, one of them got pretty badly infected and she didn't want her parents to know. She said she did it because she wanted some control of her life because nobody accepted her for who she was." I tell her. "It made me think about you when you were younger, in pain and alone, but then I was watching you just now and you seem so happy. It's just a lot to process."

"I am happy y'know." She looks at me before continuing, "You make me happy."

Amelia POV

I meant what I said to Arizona, she really does make me happy. She makes me stronger as a person.

"Amelia, I've been meaning to talk to you about something." Arizona says making me look up from what I'm doing.

"What's up?" I ask. Her tone of voice makes me a little nervous but I know she would never do anything that could hurt me.

"So Sofia is home for 5 days next week. It's her Birthday and because she spends most of her time with Callie I have her for Birthdays and Christmas as well as some of her school breaks. I want her to meet you, like officially but I think we should have a night or two to catch up before you stay the night. I just, don't want her to feel like I've replaced her. I move my laptop and go to sit up, shuffling back next to her.

"Hey" I say, cupping her face with my hand. "I would never stop you having alone time with your daughter. I'll just have to make sure I make the most of our time together now." I say leaning in to kiss her. The kiss is slow and sensual. I love it slow but move to speed it up a little. She places her hands on my waist keeping us where we are. I put my hands over Arizona's, lifting them up my body towards my breasts before continuing the kiss. I make my way down, kissing her jaw before kissing her neck, sucking a little but not enough to leave marks. Her hands stayed on my breasts, moving her thumbs a little, stroking me lovingly, making the most of our time. We continue like that for a while, not progressing, just enjoying the moment. We only stop when we hear a knock on the door, pulling away just in time for the door to open.

Zola makes her way into my room, joining us sat on the bed.

"Are you having a sleepover again?" Zola asks me and I nod in response. "Is it because you're sad again?" She follows up from her previous question.

"Nope, Arizona makes me happy. Today is a happy sleepover." I tell Zola. Arizona just watches our interaction, smiling at my answer to Zola's question.

"Can I have a sleepover with you and Arizona?" she questions looking up to us with puppy dog eyes.

"You," I tell her, pulling her over towards me "have school tomorrow. And I don't think your mom would be very happy if I let you stay up super late. But I have a fun idea." I tell her, without giving away what my idea is.

"What? What's the idea? Tell me pleaseeee," she begs.

"Well, next week, Sofia is coming back to stay with Arizona for a few days because its her birthday, so if you ask Arizona very nicely, we might be able to organise a sleepover with you and Sofia. What do you think?" the next thing I know Zola is jumping of my and climbing over towards Arizona.

"Can we, please? I'll be really good I promise!" Zola exclaims.

"I think a sleepover is an excellent idea," she tells Zola.

"Thank you!" Zola says throwing her arms around Arizona's shoulders for a big cuddle.

"Zola, are you in here?" Meredith says sticking her head around the ajar door of my room.

"Mom! I'm having a sleepover with Sofia at the weekend!"

Meredith looks up to me and Arizona, "if that's okay with you?" I say to Meredith.

"Sure, but right now, this one has to go to bed."

"Goodnight Arizona, goodnight Auntie Melia" Zola says on the way out of the room.

"Goodnight Zola" Arizona says, "sleep tight." I continue.

"Are you sure the sleepover idea is okay?" I ask Arizona. "I probably should have checked it with you

"It's fine Amelia, or 'Melia' should I say. It was a good idea." I laugh at her use of my nickname from Zola.

"I'll probably take Zola out to get a little birthday gift for Sofia, what kind of things does she like?" I ask Arizona. I've met Sofia a couple of times before when she had playdates with Zola but that was a few years ago so I know things have probably changed.

"She loves anything to do with animals, she told me last week she wanted to be a vet." Arizona tells me.

"Okay." I get up to lock the door. "I'm going to get changed, then can we continue that make out session from earlier?"

Walking towards my wardrobe I remove my top so I'm just in jeans and bra. I can see Arizona staring at me out of the corner of my eye.

"Like what you see?" I ask turning around I look at her. I turn back to face the wardrobe, removing my jeans so I'm just in panties and my bra. I grab a baggy t-shirt from my draw and unclip my bra. I stay facing away from Arizona to remove my bra and quickly cover up with the t-shirt. I follow up by putting some shorts on ready for bed.

"Wow, your body is so beautiful Amelia, so sexy." Arizona compliments me.

"Thank you." I say feeling a little exposed. "Your turn?"

"I guess that's fair. Pass the bag from next to you." I do as she asks and hand her the bag. She takes out the clothes she needs and passes the bag back. She starts with her pants, unbuttoning them and slowly taking them down her legs. Then she peels her jumper up over her head leaving her in her underwear.

"Amelia, I'm going to remove my bra before I put a t-shirt on. I'm more than happy for you to watch but you turned away when getting changed. I want to give you that option."

"I'm okay, you can continue." I tell her walking forward to sit on the bed. She removes her bra slowly, watching my face as she lowers it to the bed. Her beasts are perfect, just the right size. Her nipples are small and peaked.

"You are so pretty. I am so lucky to have you as my girlfriend." She pulls her T-shirt over her head.

"Come here," she says creating room on the bed. "I am just as lucky to have you."

"Can we finish what we started earlier now?" I ask looking into her eyes.

"I would be happy to."


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21 Trigger Warnings: Sexual Assault / Discussion of Self harm**

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_"Don't touch me. I don't want this. I'm not going to call the police please leave. Please don't hurt me. I won't tell anybody just let me go. Please." He pins me down, holding my wrists above my head. He puts something in my mouth to keep me quiet. I keep trying to scream but I can't make a sound. Nobody can hear me. He forces his fingers inside of me."HELP PLEASE" _

I wake up and clutch my body, looking around the room trying to calm myself down. This is my second nightmare tonight, but it is worse than the first. My tears fall down my face uncontrollably. I look down to see Arizona, still fast asleep. My first urge is to cut but as I'm getting up I see the jar Arizona made me beside my bed. She must have put it there earlier. With tears still streaming down my face. I grab a couple of notes from the jar wiping my eyes.

**"You are enough, you are so enough, it's unbelievable how enough you are" - Sierra Boggess **

**This is one of my favourite quotes, and it's true. You are an amazing person Amelia and you deserve the world. **

**Try drawing lines on your legs, or doodles. Studies show this can reduce cravings. Remember I'm here if you need me, you can text or call or wake me up anytime you need. **

I know Arizona would be okay if I choose to wake her but I want to try to deal on my own before resorting to that. I take a marker from my draw a single line across my thigh. I draw more and more lines until there is no space left. I take a deep breath and lean back against the headboard. I got through it, I smile to myself. Taking a drink of water from the bottle I have next to me.

I lay back down in bed, knowing I wasn't ready to go back to sleep. I've done this many times before. I just wait, wait for sleep to overcome me.

When I wake up next I'm laid facing Arizona who is awake, just watching me sleep.

"Good morning. How'd you sleep?" She asks this while reaching over to place her hand on my arm.

"Not the best, but I'm okay." I assure her.

"Nightmares?" She asks and I nod.

"The first one wasn't too bad, I woke up and just laid here for a bit and decided to go back to sleep. The second was worse, I woke up panicking and crying. I was going to wake you but I decided to use the jar instead."

"Considering you didn't wake me, I'm presuming the jar worked?" Arizona replies looking at me. I sit up and show her my thighs.

"Yeah it worked. It took a little while and a couple of notes but it worked in the end."

"So while I was awake after a nightmare last night I had an idea that I wanted to run by you. So either the day before or after the sleep over with Zola and Sofia, I was thinking I could pay for us all to go to the Zoo, as a birthday present for Sofia. You said she likes animals so I thought it would be a good idea." I tell Arizona.

She leans over to kiss me before telling me she thinks my idea is perfect.

"Do you have work today?" I ask Arizona, knowing I have the day off.

"Yeah, I start in a couple of hours. Do you have plans for today?"

I check my phone for the time before replying, "I want to go to a meeting today but other than that no. I'll probably just end up watching Netflix or something then pick the kids up from school and daycare. Meredith is at work today. Is there any chance I could ride to the hospital with you so I don't have to walk to the meeting?" I ask Arizona.

"Sure," she replies, and I hear her stomach growl.

"I guess we should get you some breakfast huh?" I ask laughing at her as I get out of bed. "I'm going to go in the shower first and then I'll start on breakfast" I say as I throw some sweatpants over my legs and head towards the bathroom.

After I've had a quick shower, I walk through to the kitchen where Arizona is awake.

"Coffee?" She asks and I notice she has boiled some water and has two mugs out on the side.

"Coffee would be great. What do you want to eat? We have toast, cereal or I can make some eggs" We decide to make some eggs and I opt to make some extra knowing that the kids would soon be up and will probably decide they want some too. As expected, 10 minutes later Zola and Bailey wander down the stairs and accept the food.

"Thank you so much for feeding the kids, they are on slow mode this morning." Meredith comments as she rushes into the kitchen to make herself some food. She has clearly had a stressful morning.

"Do you want us to take Zola to school?" Arizona offers, "that way you can concentrate on getting the little ones to daycare before work."

"That would be amazing, thank you."

After dropping Zola at school we make our way towards the hospital. The car ride is quiet but comfortable. As we pull up for my NA meeting Arizona turns to look at me placing a hand on my knee.

"So, I've been thinking. Sofia gets here in a couple of days, and we haven't been on an official date. I know we aren't exactly a typical couple but is that something you would be interested in?"

"Arizona, I would love to go on a date with you." I tell her, reaching over to cup her face before I lean in to kiss her.

"I get off work at 5 and I'll need to clean myself up after. I'll pick you up at 7:30, wear something nice."

"I'll look forward to it." I tell her as I get out of the car to head into my NA meeting. I watch as she smiles and drives away. Life is good.

The NA meeting is fairly quiet. I listen to a few people speak before volunteering myself. I stand up and introduce myself even though I've met all these people before. "Hi, I'm Amelia and I'm an addict. I've been sober for over 7 years, and it's been tough but recently I met someone and things have been going really well. I have nightmares, that trigger cravings. I often get them multiple times per night and I've always suffered through them alone but now I don't have to. Arizona, my girlfriend is amazing. She accidentally found out about the nightmares, I didn't plan on telling her, I've never told anybody I've been close to, but she found about. I was terrified that she would run but instead it only made us closer. She told me I could wake her after my nightmares, and I have a few times. She also gave me a gift, it's a glass jar full of coping techniques and encouragement to help me get through the nightmares when I'm alone. We are going on our first official date tonight because her daughter is coming home for a few days next week for her birthday. Her daughter is friends with my niece so I'm going to take Arizona and the girls for a day at the zoo for a birthday present. I guess I just wanted to share because everything is going so well. I mean, I still have cravings, especially after the nightmare but for the first time in a long while, I feel like I can get through it. I know I can." I get down from the stand and listen until the meeting is over.

When I'm getting up and about to leave I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around to see Joyce. She must be in her mid 50s, she seems like a nice person but I've never actually had a conversation with her.

"Hi, Amelia, I just wanted to tell you I'm so happy you're doing better than you were. I actually have something to offer you. I work at the zoo and each yeah I get some extra tickets and passes for events for friends and family. I never use them because I don't have any friends or family with children or that would want to go to a zoo. I was thinking I could get you into an animal feeding session or something. You would still have to pay to get into the zoo itself but if you can get there before opening I think I could work something out."

"Wow, seriously? I don't know what to say. Are you sure?" I ask her.

"Dear, when I heard your story I knew what I had to do." She passes me a piece of paper before continuing. "Here is my number, I'll see what I can arrange at work tomorrow, call me tomorrow evening for the details."

"Thank you Joyce, so much."


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22 Trigger Warnings: Consensual Sexual Situations**

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Arizona POV

I watch the clock through the day, anxious for my date with Amelia. I'm not sure why I'm so nervous, it's not like we are just getting to know each other. We are already so much closer than most couples would be at this stage in a relationship and we have shared so many intimate life details. Amelia is such as special person and I know she hasn't dated it a long time, I just want everything to be perfect for her. I want to show her how much she means to me, how much she deserves.

I head home as soon as my shift is complete. I walk through the door of my apartment, putting my bags away before walking to the bathroom. I take a shower, washing my hair and shaving my leg, wanting to look my best for Amelia. I dry my body before heading through to my bedroom to dry my hair. I take my time, straightening it until I'm confident it'll stay. I decide to wear a navy blue dress, with matching heels so I need to wear my special leg. I put a little makeup on but decide on keeping it natural. I pick up my purse and car keys heading out to collect Amelia.

I knock on the door and Amelia opens it a few seconds later. She looks absolutely stunning. She is wearing a long, dark green V neck top that flows out just below her waist. She has skinny black pants with black heels. Her hair waves and curls naturally to surround her face.

"Wow, Amelia, you look absolutely beautiful" I say taking her hands in my own. I look into her eyes and I see a sparkle, one that wasn't there before. She looks happy.

"Hey," she replies timidly shutting the door behind her. "I love your dress, you look unbelievable." she replies not moving from where we are, just taking in the moment. I put my arm around her shoulder pulling her in for hug before moving to get in the car.

When we are in the car I fasten my seat belt and look over to Amelia. She is clearly nervous, she is looking down and fidgeting with her hands.

"Amy, are you okay?" I ask her, not for a moment looking away.

"I'm okay, It's just, I haven't been on a date in a very long time. I want this to be perfect but I don't remember what to do, what to say." She says this while running her fingers under her eyes trying not to smudge her makeup.

"Hey, it's okay. It's just a date, there's nothing you have to do or say, just be yourself. There are no expectations here, just you and me, and that's enough." I take her hands in my own and look her in the eyes, "Amelia, we can postpone the date and order takeaway if you're not ready. No pressure remember?"

"No, I want to go. I'm just nervous." She tells me, and I know she is telling the truth.

"It'll be okay, I promise." I tell her as I start the car to drive to the restaurant.

When we pull up to the restaurant I get out of the car and Amelia follows. I take her hand in my own and tell her again that it's going to be okay. The waiter takes us to a section towards the back of the restaurant, it's a bit quieter there which is nice. When we sit down I'm still holding Amelia's hand, she doesn't go to pull it away so I keep holding her there.

"So, how was your day?" I ask her trying to ease the tension.

"It was okay, I had the meeting this morning. I spoke to the group and it went pretty well. I actually had a conversation with someone, like at the end of the meeting which is something I don't normally do. It was good. Then I just lounged around. I watched half a series on Netflix then I had to pick Zola up from school and Bailey and Ellis from day care. We did some arts and crafts until Meredith got home. How was work?"

Before I had chance to answer the waiter comes back to take our order. He offers us champagne but I tell him we are ordering soft drinks instead. Once we finish giving our orders and the waiter has left our table I turn back to Amelia to finish our conversation.

"Work was okay but I struggled to concentrate though, because I knew I was taking my beautiful girlfriend out on a date later on." She laughs at me and for the first time in the evening looks fully relaxed.

"That is the cheesiest thing I've ever heard." She tells me as her laughter gradually fades away." I thought about you all day too."

The rest of the date passes more easily. We talk, laugh and enjoy the great food. I drive us both back to my apartment where Amelia takes my hand and leads me through to the bedroom. She goes to kiss me and I happily comply. She pushes my backwards until I fall onto the bed. She climbs onto the bed, straddling me, supporting her body with arms either side of my head. She leans back in to continue the kiss, running her tongue across my lip to request access. I open my mouth to allow her tongue entrance, mimicking her actions with my own. She reaches down to unzip her pants, keeping her mouth glued to mine. When we break apart for air I shuffle back and stop her from following. She questions what I'm doing until she sees me reaching down to remove my leg, and moving it to the floor. Instead of continuing from where we were at Amelia moves to my side, she takes a deep breath and unzips my dress before removing it completely.

"Amelia, I really want to continue this, but as soon as it starts to get too much you need to tell me, okay? Whatever we do or don't do is totally up to you." I study her face making sure she understands what I'm telling her.

"It's okay, I know. I'm not ready for you to touch me down there yet, but there's other stuff we can do right? I'll tell you if it's too much I promise."

She smiles and me, moving her body so we are back in the previous position. Her fingers trace my skin, slowly, working her way from my waist up to my bra, caressing every dip and curve on my body. I hold my hands at her waist, pulling at the hem of her shirt with my fingertips.

"Arizona, it's okay, you can take it off." she tells me, moving her hands from my body and placing them on top of my own, lifting her top until we are both left in only our underwear. I glance at her body, she is so beautiful. I make sure not to stare, not wanting to make her uncomfortable and flick my eyes back to her face to see her smiling at me. I place my hands back on her waist, carefully caressing her before moving one of my hands to the back of her next, pulling her head down to kiss me. She clearly understands what I'm asking for as she leans down, and kisses me. I take her lip in my mouth, sucking it ever so lightly. A small moan escapes her mouth and I smile, repeating the action. She has her hands on my bra, running her thumbs across the cups, watching my face for any reaction.

"Want me to take it off?" I ask her when she stops her movements. She nods and bites her lip, while I arch my back reaching to get to the hooks. Once it's unhooked Amelia takes over, taking it off each of my arms and tossing it to the floor. She takes in the sight before her, reaching out her hands and placing them on my ribs, just below my chest.

"Arizona, I'm not sure what to do here. I don't want to stop, I just don't know what you like, and I don't want to get it wrong." She looks a little nervous but I just smile, take her hands in my own and place them over my breasts.

"Just do what feels right, as long as you're gentle there is nothing that could go wrong. Trust your instincts and see what happens."

Amelia POV

I rub my thumbs across Arizona's breasts, just like I did when she was wearing a bra and I feel her nipples harden beneath my hands. I repeat the action a few times, kissing down her neck and I feel her writhing beneath me. I squeeze her breasts a little before working my way down, kissing her breast. I support my body with my hands, taking her nipple into my mouth, licking and sucking, studying her reactions. I take the bud and roll it lightly between my teeth causing her chest to lift from the bed. I repeat the action, sucking a little and I hear her moan my name.

"Is this okay?" I check, still a little uncertain of my actions.

"So good," she moans so I move to her other breast, giving it the same attention. I feel the bed move as she clenches her legs, trying to release some of the frustration that was building. When I next take a breath I move her hand down her body to where she wants it most.

"I'm not ready for that yet but you can touch yourself, I'll stay here." I tell her, kissing her mouth and rolling her nipple between my fingers.

It doesn't take long until her moans increase in pace. I place open mouthed kisses all over her chest, making sure not to leave any gaps. When she is getting closer I knead one breast and continue licking and sucking on the other. When I'm sure I've given it enough attention I switch my mouth to the other. Her hips begin to rise more quickly and I can feel her body begin to tense. I run my tongue across her breast before taking the nipple between my teeth and sucking like I did before. Her body shakes in my arms and I stop to watch her face when she cums. She mumbles my name, still coming down from the high she says experiencing.

"You are so beautiful, I'm so happy you're in my life." I tell her as her body begins to still.

"Are you okay?" She yawns once she has regained control of her body.

"I am perfect" I tell her, pulling her body closer to my own and resting my head beneath her chin as she yawns again. "Sleep now." I tell her, we have all the time in the world.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23 Trigger Warnings: Sexual Assault / Self Harm**

**Reminder that if this is a sensitive topic for you there are people out there who can help you. I am here if anybody needs to talk. **

* * *

Amelia POV

_"Let go of me. PLEASE, YOU"RE HURTING ME PLEASE DON'T." I try to pull myself away, I try to run but he is too strong. I can't move my body but I can feel everything he is doing. "please, just let me go, please" I cry to him but he takes no notice of my pleads. _

When I wake up I look around and remember I'm at Arizona's apartment. I sit up, trying to regulate my breathing, trying not to have a total breakdown but there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I make my way to the bathroom, the guilt I'm feeling has already taken over my body but I know I won't get any more rest until I feel some release. I reach up to feel for the blade I had left here a couple of weeks ago but instead find a piece of paper with Arizona's writing on it.

**"The blade is in the yellow container on the top shelf of the cupboard. Before you do it have you woken me? Can you take a note from the jar? You're not alone. If you still need to cut that's okay but if you can try to wake me after. It'll be okay. Xx"**

I wish I had the jar but we left it in my room. I reach up to find the yellow container in the cupboard and take out the blade making a cut on my left leg. It helps me calm down so I make another just below it. The yellow container that held the blade also had a few medical supplies in it. I press some gauze onto the cuts, slowing the bleeding enough for me to clean and dress the wounds. I stay sat there for about half an hour before walking back to Arizona's room. She asked me to wake her on the note she has left with my blade and I know I should. I'm still crying and shaking a little but I know it's the right thing to do. I grab two t-shirts from Arizona's drawer, putting one of them on before approaching the bed.

"Arizona, please wake up." I beg, a little louder than a whisper. "Arizona, please."

"What's the matter?" she asked, sitting herself up, holding the blankets against her bare chest.

"I'm sorry." I tell her not looking at her face. I pass the extra shirt I got out and she puts it on.

"Amy, talk to me, what's going on? Did you have a nightmare?" She asks me kindly.

"I'm sorry," I repeat. "I didn't want to but I just wanted to go back to sleep, I'm so tired."

Arizona seems to register as to what I'm referring to, holding her arms out for a hug.

"Thank you for waking me." She tells me as I crawl into her arms, resting my head on her chest.

We sit there for a while before I begin to speak. "I just wanted to forget him. I want to be normal. I want to let you touch me, and not feel fear. I don't want to be scared anymore." I tell her, holding my knees to my chest.

"Amelia, you won't always be scared. Look how far you have come in the last few weeks. You've gone from trusting no one to letting me into your life. Look at what happened last night, you enjoyed that right?" She asks me, looking into my eyes.

"Yeah, last night was really nice. You were amazing, I just, I don't want everything to always be one sided, I want to let you touch me too, I just, don't like feeling vulnerable like that. I know you would never hurt me, but that doesn't stop me feeling scared." I explain to her.

"I know, and that's okay. It's okay to feel scared. Let's get some more rest okay and we will talk about this in the morning." She tells me, stroking my hair out of my face. "Tomorrow is a new day."

Arizona POV

Amelia falls asleep like that in my arms. It's almost 5am and I just stay there, watching her sleep. She looks so peaceful, so calm. I spend the rest of my night watching her, I can't go back to sleep. I'm worried about her. After about an hour she starts to stir, mumbling for him to stop hurting her.

"Amelia, honey it's okay. It's just a dream. You're safe." I whisper and she stops stirring, staying asleep. I keep talking to her quietly, making sure she stays asleep and I start thinking about different ways to help her, different ways to make her more confident and comfortable with her body. I just want to help her.

When she wakes up next it is morning. She stirs and sees that I am already awake before resting her head back on my chest.

"Good morning, how are you feeling?" I ask her, thinking back to the event in the night.

"Better than earlier, I'm sorry about what happened. I meant what I said about enjoying last night though, it was really nice. We should do that again." She says smiling at me.

"I was thinking about what you said after your nightmare, and I have something I want to try. But only if you're okay with it. You're not in work until this afternoon right?" I ask her as we pull away from each other and sit side by side.

"Yeah, I start at two. I want to try whatever you're thinking, but I need the bathroom first."

When she gets back I'm still sat on the bed. She comes and sits by me and asks what my plan is.

"Have you ever had a massage?" I ask and she shakes her head. "I was thinking, and massages aren't exactly sexual but it's a lot of skin to skin contact. That way you can get used to me touching your skin in a stress free way. You would still be in control, at any point you can ask me to stop and I will, or you can ask me to move, like if you're uncomfortable with me touching somewhere I could move somewhere else. What I'm trying to say if you can control whatever you need to I guess"

"Arizona, you're rambling. Let's try it, what do I do?"

"I guess the first step would be to lay down on your stomach and take your top off. Normally the bra would go to but that's up to you, I don't mind." I tell her and she does that, laying down but with her bra still on.

"You can unfasten it, I just want to keep it on." She tells me as she lays down with her head facing to the side. I unclip it gently, making sure she is comfortable before moving to place some moisturiser on my hands, placing them on her back.

"Okay, I'm going to start now. If anything makes you uncomfortable just let me know."

"Could you just keep talking to me as you do it? Hearing your voice reminds me that it's only you there."

"Okay, what do you want to talk about?"

I slowly begin to massage her back, talking her through the steps of what I'm doing so there are no surprises. At first her body is a little tense but she gradually starts to relax as I continue to rub different areas of her body. As I reach her lower back she tenses a little so I slow my movements.

"Is this okay?" I ask softy, not wanting to make the situation any worse.

"Yeah, that's really nice. I'm just not used to it." she tells me so I continue for a little while before moving my body to sit next to her.

"How was that?" I ask her as she reaches behind her refastening her bra.

"Really nice, thank you." She says pulling me closer to kiss me.

"Do you think it helped?" I question, unsure of whether I had chosen to do the right thing.

"It definitely didn't hurt. I stayed calm and I didn't panic. So if nothing else I got a really nice massage." She laughs.

The rest of the morning is pretty relaxed, we just chat and lounge around my apartment. "Sofia gets here tomorrow right?" Amelia asks me as we are eating our breakfast.

"Yep, tomorrow morning and goes home Sunday afternoon so she can be back at school on Monday. Why?" I ask, wondering why her daughters schedule.

"I was thinking of sleepover for the kids Friday night and the zoo on Saturday, is that okay? I want to book the tickets before work."

"That sounds great, her birthday is on Friday so I'm sure she would love that."

While Amelia is booking the tickets on her phone I head into my bedroom to get a bag of things I've bought for Sofia, as well as some wrapping paper and tape. I sit down on the floor and begin wrapping. I haven't bought a lot because I know she will want to take most of it back to New York and she only has so much room in her bag, but I intend to make up for it with fun plans.

"Tickets are booked for Saturday." Amelia announces, putting her phone down.

"That's great, can you stay here again tonight?" I ask her, "because then we will be having a couple of nights apart, I want to make the most of it."

"I can, but I do need to go home for a bit after work. Can I come back here after dinner?" She asks as she stands up putting some of her stuff in a bag ready for work.

"Of course, you ready to go?" I ask finishing what I'm doing before getting up.

"Yep, just getting my shoes on them I'm good."

"Okay, lets go."


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24 Trigger Warnings: None - all is good**

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Amelia POV

Work passes fairly quickly. I treat my patients, talk to other doctors and smile while I'm going it. I even instructed a resident on a surgery, it was an easy but with people's brains you have to be unbelievably careful. It feels good to teach people, like I'm teaching them to save lives. One day they'll do the same and the person they taught will teach someone else. Because of me, in a hundred years when I'm dead somebody's life could be saved. It's strange to think about. It's a theory called the butterfly effect, one little thing I do today causes ripples that influence everybody around me. Every time we make one small choice, it changes not only your future but an infinite amount of other lives, they just don't know it.

When I get home Meredith is serving food.

"Can you go get the kids for dinner?" she asks me and I agree.

"Yeah, sure. Arizona and I worked out Friday night would be the best time for Zola and Sofia sleepover, and we are planning on surprising them with a trip to the zoo on Saturday, is that okay?" I ask my sister in law before leaving to go get the kids.

"Sure, as long as you promise not to lose my daughter in a lion enclosure."

"I can assure you, that isn't on the itinerary for the day." I joke before leaving to go and collect the kids for dinner.

Dinner is fairly uneventful, Meredith tells me about a difficult surgery she conducted with Maggie, who is still at the hospital with the patient. When we finish Ellis has fallen asleep in her highchair so I take her up to bed while Zola helps Meredith load the dishwasher. Once Ellis is down for bed I head back down the stairs. Bailey and Zola are sat watching TV so I walk back to the kitchen to see Meredith.

"Are you staying here tonight?" She asks me.

"No, I'm going to get some clothes and head back to Arizona's. Sofia gets here in the morning so I'll be back before work. When Sofia is here I'll be staying at home, they need some time to catch up." I explain.

"And how is everything between you two, still good?"

"We are amazing. She's so good for me, I actually can't imagine my life without her which is scary but it's worth it." I tell her honestly.

"I'm glad. You deserve to be happy, Amelia." she tells me before I make my way out, collecting my stuff from my room on the way.

When I arrive at Arizona's I get my bag from the passenger seat and head to knock on the door. When she opens the door she looks stressed, I close the door behind me, moving to her bedroom to put my stuff down before heading back out.

"You okay?" I ask her, placing my hand on her shoulder.

"I'm just sorting Sofia's room out, I want it to be all sorted when she gets here. Once I've done this I'm all yours for the night, I promise." She replies and I follow her into the room. Sofia's room is immaculate, the only thing left to do is make the bed. I put the pillow cases and undersheet on the bed while Arizona sorts the covers.

Once she has finished making the bed she gets up to look around the room.

"Arizona, the room is perfect, it's going to be okay. Sofia is coming to see you for the first time in months, she is going to be so happy to spend time with you that she probably won't even pay attention to her room. You're an amazing mom, you don't need to worry so much." I tell her, taking her hand and leading her out of Sofia's room.

"Have you eaten yet?" I ask her, I'm a little worried because she looks like she hasn't stopped all day.

"I had some leftovers in the refrigerator. I've eaten, I'm okay." She tells me and I know she is telling the truth.

"What can I do to help you relax?" I ask her and she opens her arms out for a hug. I walk towards her and she pulls me into her arms. I rest my head on her shoulder and we stay there for a while.

I'm not sure how much time has passed when I pull away but when I do we head through to the bedroom. I remembered the jar tonight so I place it on the bedside table before getting my clothes out. Arizona looks exhausted and she needs to rest if she plans on keeping her daughter occupied for the next 5 days.

"Arizona, I think a chill night is in order. Put your PJs on and we can choose a film on Netflix and enjoy each others company."

She accepts this, going to get some baggy clothes before sitting on the bed. As we are getting changed I don't turn away when I remove my bra. I know she isn't really watching me but it's a step in the right direction. I pass her my laptop that I have loaded Netflix up on for her to choose a film.

"I just need to change the dressing on my leg and then I'll come back to watch the film, set something up for us?" I ask and go to leave the room.

"Amelia, I've put some dressings and cleaning stuff in the drawer next to your bed. You don't have to sort it in front of me but you can deal with it here if you choose to."

I go to the cupboard and take out the bits that I need. I don't hide my leg from Arizona but I don't move into her direct sight either. Once I'm sorted I get back into the bed next to her, moving closer to rest my head on her chest. This position has become all too familiar in the last few weeks so it doesn't take much for us to get comfortable.

Arizona chose to put on Wild Child. I have watched this movie too many times but it doesn't bother me. At some point in the last half an hour of the movie Arizona fell asleep behind me. I close the laptop, moving it to the side of the bed and set an Alarm for 7am, knowing she will want to be at the airport earlier than planned. I place my phone on top of the laptop before going back to my original position to go to sleep.

"Goodnight Arizona." I whisper before closing my eyes.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25 Trigger Warnings: drug Abuse / Death of Child**

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Amelia POV

The next few days pass by fairly slowly. Arizona is spending time with Sofia. We message each other regularly but it's not the same as spending time together. I keep myself occupied, I go to meetings and go to work as well as spending time with the kids. It's not as bad as I expected, it's like I just slip back into the patterns of my old life, from before I had Arizona. It's a sad reality but it's true, and it helps me to get by.

It's a little before 5am and I woke up for the 3rd time tonight, but this time is different. I didn't wake up from a nightmare, I dreamed of Christopher and what he would be like now. I'm sat crying in bed but they're not panicking tears, they're just sad and they have been building up for too long. I decide to get up, knowing that there isn't much point in trying to get back to sleep. I get up and have a shower, before everybody else needs to be in the bathroom.

I head to the couch and turn on the TV. I'm not sure what I'm watching but it gives me time to think. I'm holding the sonogram photo from when I was pregnant, thinking about how different my life could have been right now. I don't realise Meredith has come down the stairs until she is sat on the couch next to me.

"Sorry, did the TV wake you?" I ask her, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"It's my Mom brain, tiniest noises and I'm up. Are you okay?" She asks, reaching over to put her hand on my leg.

"Could you not touch me?" I ask quietly and she removes her hand.

"Do you want me to call Arizona?" She offers, still unsure what she can do or say.

"No it's okay, you can stay here, just when I'm in a state like this I don't like people to touch me." I explain. "I'm okay, I just needed time to think."

"I get that. What's that in your hand?" She asks and I realise I'm still holding the sonogram so I pass it to her.

"That's my baby."

"Amelia, are you pregnant?"

"No. It's old, it's from over 7 years ago, when I was in LA. He died, I never told Derek. I wish I would have told Derek, he deserved to know." Meredith passes me a tissue and I realise how much of a mess I am. "I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to see this." I tell her, wiping my eyes and trying to clean myself up.

We stay sitting on the couch, still leaving a gap between us.

"I met someone, and he seemed nice but he got my back onto drugs. I don't remember much of what happened but I remember we decided to get clean together, to give up the drugs. I woke up the next morning and he was dead, he overdosed in bed next to me. I didn't realise I was pregnant until after I got clean."

"Amelia, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You don't have to tell me about it if you don't want to. I didn't mean to pry." Meredith tells me, looking guilty for bringing up the subject.

"It's fine, you couldn't have known." I assure her before continuing. "He was born without a brain. Addison found out when she was doing a scan and she offered to terminate but I couldn't. I donated his organs to other babies that needed them. It was the hardest thing I've ever done."

"I'm sorry we weren't there for you then." Meredith tells me, she is fidgeting with her hands, clearly not sure what to say.

"I would have pushed you away even if you were. My life is an ongoing train wreck, one disaster after another. I didn't deal with my issues for a long time and now I'm just piecing myself back together."

"Amelia, I know you haven't had an easy life but things are going to get better. I haven't seen you as happy as you are with Arizona in such a long time. You deserve to be happy."

"Thank you Meredith. I'm sorry I'm such a mess." I laugh sitting myself up properly.

Neither myself or Meredith move from where we are sitting, we just stay there, waiting for the other to break the silence.

"Am I still okay to take Zola tonight and tomorrow to celebrate Sofia's birthday?" I ask Meredith, knowing the answer already but not wanting to sit in silence any longer.

"Sure, I don't think she would live it down if I cancelled the sleepover she is so excited for. She hasn't stopped talking about it in days."

"I'm glad she is excited. So do I need to help her pack a bag or anything?" I ask Meredith. I know I can look after a child but I have no idea what to expect if I just ask her to pack a bag.

"She should be fine, just double check she has pyjamas and a toothbrush. Are you picking her up from school?" Meredith asks looking over at me.

"Yeah, I'm not working today so we will nip back here to pack a bag and head over there for dinner, make the most of the evening." Meredith nods and goes to stand up.

"I should probably go get the kids up so I'm not late for work. Are you going to be okay on your own today?" She asks. It's strange to hear her asking this, she has never seemed concerned before.

"I'll be fine." I say and she turns to leave the room. "Meredith?" I call back before she has a chance to leave. "Thank you, for listening."

"I'm here for you Amelia, you're family. We may not always get along but you're stuck with me."

"I think I can live with that." I reply, but she has already gone.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26 Trigger Warnings: None - Nothing too bad in this one**

* * *

Amelia POV

At 3pm I pick Zola up from school like planned. We go via the store where Zola finds a notebook with cute bunnies on to give to Sofia as a little present from herself. I offer to buy a card but Zola has already made one and written it from all the family including myself. When we get back to the house I tell her to go pack a bag with everything she will need for today and tomorrow. About 10 minutes later she runs down the stairs telling me she is almost ready. I've messaged Arizona and she said whenever we are ready them are so I know we can leave whenever Zola is sorted.

"Auntie Melia do I need to take my coat?" she asks putting her bag down onto the chair. I quickly check the weather forecast before responding.

"Nope, it's not supposed to rain but a light jacket would probably be sensible incase you get cold." I tell her and she runs off to grab a cardigan yelling "I'm ready" as she comes back down the stairs. I make sure she has a toothbrush, PJs and spare underwear then we get in the car to leave.

It doesn't take long to get to Arizona's apartment. I get our bags out of the car and take Zola's hand in my own, leading the way to the door. When we get there Zola knocks on the door and Arizona let's her in pointing her towards the living room where Sofia is sat playing with some sort of puzzle. When Zola runs through Arizona leans in to kiss me before pulling me inside.

"I've missed you." She tells me before we follow Zola through and sit on the couch.

"Happy Birthday Sofia!" I say as Zola passes across the card and little present.

"Thank you Zola, thank you Amelia." Sofia says before whispering something to Arizona.

"Why don't you ask her?" Arizona replies to Sofia before looking at me. I raise my eyebrow, questioning what is going on but before I can say something Sofia is stood in front of me.

"Amelia, my Mom said you have a surprise for me and we are going out to somewhere tomorrow but she won't tell me what we are doing because it's your present for me. Can you please tell me where we are going? Pleasseeeee" I look to Arizona, checking to see it was okay with her before speaking.

"I was thinking we could go to the zoo, how does that sound?"

To say that the children are excited would be an understatement.

A few hours later Sofia asks us if we can make pizza. Arizona agrees but says she needs to go to the store to buy the ingredients. Zola and Sofia decide they want to stay here to play a game so I volunteer to stay with them. Zola asks me to help teach Sofia to play go fish so I clear the table while they go to find a deck of cards. When they're back I shuffle the cards before dishing them out to myself and the girls.

"Amelia, are you my Mom's girlfriend? Like Penny was my Mama's girlfriend?" Sofia asks innocently picking up her cards. The thought of Penny being there when Derek died still makes me angry but I try to move that thought from my mind.

"Yes, I am your Mom's girlfriend. Are you okay with that?" I ask her, not wanting to presume. I know that Sofia's happiness has to come first for Arizona.

"Yeah, because that means you make my Mommy happy, and you take me to the zoo."

"I'm happy that you're okay with it." I tell her honestly.

"Aunty Melia, if you are Arizona's girlfriend does that mean you kiss each other?" Zola asks as she starts to giggle.

"Sometimes," I tell her, I hadn't thought about explaining this to the kids, it's not like it's something I've ever had to explain before, I've never really dated around them "but right now, Arizona isn't here so I think we should play cards."

When Arizona gets back we are still sat playing cards. Sofia has learned the rules so we can play properly rather than having to go through each of the steps individually. We finish our game and head to the kitchen to make food. We make sure everybody has washed their hands before Arizona hands the kids the dough to roll out into circles.

"How on earth did you find ready to roll bread dough?" I asked her. It's not a common thing to come across and I am genuinely curious, it's something I'd never heard of anybody buying before.

"Funny story, the guy at the pizzeria a few blocks away came into the hospital last year with his daughter. She needed surgery and I did it. When they were leaving a few days later I told him I had a daughter and he invited us to the shop to make pizzas to say thank you. Since then Sof decided she likes to make her own pizzas so he let's me go in and just buy the dough."

"That is the weirdest possible answer to my question. It's hilarious. I support it though, much quicker than making your own dough." I laugh, cutting up a few ingredients for the toppings.

When the kids have finished their own they ask Arizona and myself what we want on ours, making each ingredient into a pattern. We cook the girls pizzas first and Arizona lets them eat on the couch because it's a special occasion.

"So your daughter asked me about the status of our relationship while you were at the shop. I told her you are my girlfriend, I hope that was the right thing to say." I tell Arizona when we are back in the kitchen.

"Amelia, it's fine. I'm not surprised she asked questions, she is a very curious kid. I'm sure you handled it well, I trust you."

"Thank you, that means a lot."

It's about 10pm by the time we get the kids into bed. We know they're going to sit up chatting but at least Arizona and I can have some time to catch up. I get changed for bed, I brought leggings to sleep in rather than shorts knowing that Arizona doesn't have locks on her door. When we are getting into bed I set an alarm. "We need to leave here at 8:30 in the morning to get to the zoo for 9." I tell her which gets her attention.

"I thought the zoo opened at 10, that's what the website says." She tells me. I hadn't told Arizona about my plans with Joyce because I wanted it to be a surprise for all of them.

"I spoke to someone who works there and they told me to get there for 9."

"We don't need to be there an hour before opening Amelia, I promise we will have plenty of time to see everything." She tells me.

"Arizona, please can you trust me on this, I have my reasons. Please." I say looking into her eyes.

"Amy, what aren't you telling me?" she asks, now looking more curious than frustrated at the idea of getting up earlier.

"It's a secret, can you just not ask questions please?" I ask, hiding things from Arizona isn't something I'm used to but I know it'll be worth it.

"Okay, I trust you."

"So, something happened this morning and I'm not dealing well. I just, I'm not dealing well. I've held it together all day but I really want to cut." I try to start telling her, the tears are already building in my eyes. She pulls me in closer and I tuck my legs up to my chest.

"Amelia, whatever is going on in your head, I promise it'll be okay. Can you tell me what caused this?" She holds me, rubbing her hand up and down my arm.

"I had a dream about Christopher. It was a good dream but it hurt because I knew it wasn't true. I got up early and went to watch some TV because I wanted to distract myself. Meredith had woken up and caught me looking at the sonogram."

"Did she ask questions?"

"I mean, not really, but I felt like I had to explain. She asked if I was pregnant and I said no, but then I had to explain why I was holding a sonogram. I told her the basics but I didn't tell her his name or anything but I told her." I explain. I don't fight the tears anymore, I'm too tired to be ashamed of them.

"Okay, I'm proud of you for doing that, it must have been tough. Do you know why it hurt so much?"

"That's the thing, it wasn't that bad, I mean I felt exposed I guess, and the memory of losing him still breaks my heart, but it wasn't that bad. That's why it hurts. I never told Derek because I was terrified if I said it out loud I would fall apart and now I've just told is wife, who I'm not even that close to and I was fine. I could have told him, I should have told him. Derek is dead, it's too late." I say, totally breaking down. I just lay there and sob in her arms. She whispers to me, I can't hear what she is saying but she doesn't stop talking to me. She doesn't move.

I cried for so long I don't think I have any tears left in my body. Once I've calmed down enough to move I get out of bed and walk to the kitchen to get fill up my bottle of water. I take a moment to breath, drinking as much of the water as I can before I walk back to the bedroom. When I get there I see Zola stood peeking around the door. When she hears me moving she turns around and runs towards me. I take her hand and she follows into Arizona's room.

"Are you okay Zola?" She asks as I get back up onto the bed.

"I heard Auntie Amelia crying, I wanted to come and see her. Are you okay?" She asks looking at me.

"I'm just a little sad but Arizona is helping me feel better." I explain as I offer my hand for her to climb up onto the bed with us.

"Why are you sad?" she asks shifting herself towards me.

"Because I miss your Daddy. He helped look after me a lot when my Dad died and now I miss him a lot." I tell her, reaching my arms out so she knows it's okay to give me a cuddle.

"When I miss my Dad I cry too. When I grow up I want to be a brain surgeon just like him."

"That sounds like an amazing idea, he would be so proud of you." I tell her, kissing the top of her head, trying not to let the tears fall again.

"And your Auntie is a great brain surgeon too, so she can help you with everything, imagine what a team you two would make." Arizona says trying to lighten the mood a little.

"We could be an excellent team," I agree. "Okay Zozo, as much as I love our cuddles we all need to get some sleep, we have a long day tomorrow. Do you want me to come through while you get yourself back into bed?" I offer.

"No I'm okay. Goodnight Arizona, I love you Auntie Melia." she says as she is getting up from the bed.

"I love you too kiddo, sleep tight."

"You're an amazing Aunt Amelia, you're so good with her. I'm sorry you never got to tell Derek about Christopher, but I'm sure he's watching over us, and he would be so proud of you looking after Zola. So so proud."

"I like to think of him watching over us, maybe if he is he's already found my baby. There is no one I would trust more to raise my little boy."

"Wake me if you need me in the night, please. I don't want you to do something you'll regret." Arizona tells me, taking my hands in hers before we settle down to sleep.

"I will."


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27 Trigger Warnings: Consensual Sexual Situations**

* * *

Amelia POV

I can't sleep. I've been awake for an hour now, waiting for my body to turn off but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I feel so guilty, I can't explain it. I know that there is no way I could have known that Derek was going to die, It was a freak accident. But I still feel like I should have known, I should have told him about everything before he died. I keep imagining how the conversation would have gone. Maybe if I told him he would have stayed, he wouldn't have left Seattle and he'd still be here. But I wasn't ready to talk about it. I wasn't ready to change the way he looked at me. I wasn't ready to talk, I might have crumbled and gone back to the drugs. I don't know what would be different. That's the thing about life, it's unpredictable. Some people get everything, and some people get nothing, it's all the luck of the draw. We don't get a choice in what happens to us but we do get a choice in how we react to each situation life hits us with.

"Arizona," I place my hand on her shoulder to wake her up.

"What's wrong?" She asks rolling over to look at me.

"I'm sorry, you told me to wake you." I whisper to her, holding my legs to my chest.

"How long have you been sat like this?" She asks, sitting herself up next to me.

"About an hour, I was fine at first. I was just thinking but then I started spiralling. The cravings are bad." I state, not looking at her but acknowledging the depth of what I have just revealed.

"Okay, what can I do to help?"

"I don't know. I tried using the jar but it didn't help. I don't want to do anything stupid but I don't know if I can stop myself. I can't stop thinking about it." I tell her honestly. "I want to forget, help me forget."

"Amelia, I don't know what you want me to do here. Whatever you need, I'll do but you need to give me an idea." I lean in towards her and begin to kiss her. It takes her a few moments to register what is happening but she begins to respond to my movements. "Are you sure this is what you want? I don't want to take advantage of you." I know why she is saying this. I woke her up crying in an attempt not to hurt myself 10 minutes ago, but I need a distraction, and this is the best one I can come up with.

"Arizona, I'm okay. I'll tell you if I'm not." I tell her before continuing our make out session.

I deepen the kiss, moving my body so I'm straddling her.

"Can this go?" I ask referring to Arizona's tshirt. When she agrees she lifts her body a little and I help her out of it before removing my own. I take a moment to register that this is the first time she has seen my top half bare, in a sexual situation but I don't let that bother me. I continue to kiss her and she places her hands at the base of my back.

"You are so beautiful, Amelia." she whispers when we pull away to breath. I place my hands on her breasts, cupping them and squeezing them slightly until she moans beneath me. I attach my mouth to her neck, leaving open mouthed kisses in a trail down to her chest. I move on to kissing her left breast, using my teeth a little remembering how she reacted when I did this last time. I take my time, making sure to give her great enough attention before moving onto the other giving it the same treatment. When I lean back in to kiss her again I feel her breasts brush against my own.

"Hey, are you okay? You stopped." Arizona says to me gently.

"Yeah, It feels good, it's just new. I have butterflies." I tell her honestly.

"Me too, they're normally happy nerves. Can I touch you?" She asks me and I nod. She places her hands over my breasts, keeping talking me me as she let's her hands wander. She is so gentle, and kind. She takes my nipples between two fingers, rolling them a little but staying gentle. I feel wetness pool between my legs and moan a little but Arizona stops her movements.

"Shh, kids. We don't want to wake them." She tells me and I nod showing my understanding.

"I'm not sure if I can keep quiet so maybe we can focus on you tonight?" I tell her. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do anything more and I don't want to do anything I'm not ready for and ruin the day out we have planned for tomorrow.

"Okay, do you want to keep going now? It's up to you." She tells me but I don't reply, instead I plant my lips on her own and I feel her smiling into the kiss.

"Arizona, I want to touch you but I don't know what to do. I've never done that before and I don't want to get it wrong." I tell her honestly.

"You don't have to do anything you're not ready for, but if it's what you want to do I can help you figure it out."

"I want to make you feel good. I want to learn." I say nervously and she reaches down to the waistband of her shorts. I watch as she takes them off as well as her panties.

"Whatever you do or don't do is up to you okay? If you say stop, we stop."

"I know. I'm okay, I promise. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to do it wrong."

"Amelia, there is no wrong way. Just explore, I'll tell you what feels good or bad."

I change position so that I am propped between her legs and I reach down between us. She is so wet, the slightest little movement is making her hips rise. I stoke down her lips, they naturally part due to her position. After a few strokes I locate her clit. I run my index finger over it, watching her body tense as she tries to suppress her moans.

"Is this okay?" I ask her, still unsure of what I'm doing.

"Yeah, can I just-" she stops herself finishing her sentence, taking my finger in her hand and moves it in circular motions. "So good," she moans quietly. I continue the movement for a while, leaning in to kiss her but keeping my movements and pace the same. She kisses back but is clearly distracted by what I'm doing with my hand to pay full attention.

"Can I? Inside?" I say moving my hand a little lower. She nods her head but I must seem unsure and she moves her own hand down to guide me.

"Two fingers, slow." She tells me and I do as she says. Pushing them into her watching her face change. It's a strange sensation, I guess for any people with a normal sexual history it would be normal but that is definitely not me. The way Arizona is showing me what to do is almost clinical, but I love watching her like this. It shows she trusts me. I move my fingers in and out of her curling then a little studying her reactions. When I do it again I see her suppress a loud moud.

"Do that again." she tells me and I do, getting an even bigger reaction this time. I work out how to position my hand so that I can give her clit attention as well as pumping my fingers in and out of her. I feel her tighten around my fingers and I rub quick circles across her clit with my thumb. Kissing her to prevent her moans from waking up the two sleeping children in the next room. I keep moving my thumb until she had completely recovered from her orgasm.

When she regains her ability to move she takes my wrist, slowly removing my fingers from within her. She groans as I move my hand away from her, wiping my fingers on the sheets, moving up to lay in her arms.

"Was that okay?" I ask her, pulling the blankets up to cover our bodies.

"That was amazing, Amelia. Thank you." She answers, pulling me in to her side.

"As much as I would love to sleep topless with you like this, I think the kids would be in a little shock if they caught us. Also I'm 99% sure that they'll be running in here to wake us up to get ready to go out." I tell her, knowing its true.

I get up to pass Arizona her panties and her top, putting my tshirt on at the same time.

"What time is it?" she asks me as she is getting dressed and I check my phone.

"It's just after 6am, if we are lucky we may get an hour more sleep." I tell her. I know I won't be able to get back to sleep but I told want to take that extra hour away from Arizona, she isn't used to being up half the night like I am.

"Okay, sleep sounds good." she tells me, pulling me in even closer to her.

"Arizona, I need to pee so you're going to have to let me go." I tell her and she loosens her grip. "Thank you, for showing me that, it was nice." I say getting up to go to the bathroom.

When I return to Arizona's bedroom she has already fallen asleep. I head through to the living room and sit on the couch. What just happened between me and Arizona was nice but it felt strange to keep asking for help. I want to know what to do so I take out my phone and try to find some books on the topic. I guess most people learn this from experience but I never had that experience. Turns out books on lesbian sex are not as common as it thought, I'm just getting a lot of porn and computer viruses so I stop searching on Google and switch to online medical journals. You'd be surprised how much you can learn from medical articles, about physical relations and basic female anatomy. I read as much as I can find trying to make mental notes until I hear noises coming from Sofia's room. I delete my search history and out my phone down. It's going to be a long day.


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28 Trigger Warnings: This is a Happy Chapter - Enjoy it!**

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Amelia POV

I make my way to Sofia's room, checking in on Arizona to see she is still sleeping before continuing towards the girls. I can hear them whispering so I knock lightly on the door before entering.

"Good morning. Did you have a good sleep?" I ask them, reaching up turn on the lamp.

"Yeah! What time are we leaving for the zoo?" Sofia asks climbing out of bed.

"Well it's only 7:30 so we still have an hour. Why don't we have some breakfast first? What do you fancy?" I ask them both.

"Can we have pancakes Aunty Melia, can we?" Zola jumps up, giving me puppy dog eyes that she knows I can't deny.

"Okay, but be quiet, I was thinking we could surprise your mom with breakfast." I tell Sofia and she immediately nods. "Leave your PJs on in case the get food on them and we can get dressed after. Come on." I say as we head through to the kitchen.

I give the kids jobs to do, letting them make the pancake mix. I realise how little I know about where things are kept in the kitchen but Sofia helps me out. Once the batter is made I start cooking them while the children get the toppings out. Sofia has informed me Arizona likes strawberries on her pancakes so we get the strawberries out and I let her cut them, making sure she is only using a butter knife so she can't cut herself. When we are almost finished I hear Arizona is awake. Sofia shows Zola where the cutlery is to set the table before going to get her Mom.

A few minutes later Arizona arrives with Sofia just as Zola has finished setting the table.

"This looks amazing! Sof says this was your idea?" Arizona says moving over to give me a quick kiss.

"Yep, but the girls did all the hard work, they made the batter and prepared the toppings all on their own." I say and she turns to thank them both, complimenting them on their cooking.

I take the plate of pancakes to the table and we all eat breakfast, making conversation about which animal we are most excited to see at the zoo. When we are done Arizona sends the girls to brush their teeth and get dressed while we sort out the dishes before going to get ready ourselves.

"Can you tell me why we are getting there so early now?"

"Nope." I tell her before leaving the room to brush my teeth.

It's exactly 9am when we pull up at the zoo. The place is basically empty, just a few cars in the parking lot, probably owned by the staff. I jump out of the car and call Joyce to let her know we are here before telling the girls to get out of the car. We make our way to the entrance and I see Joyce walking towards us. I show her the tickets on my phone and she lets us all in before turning around to see us all.

"So I know Amelia, which means you must be Arizona" she says reaching to shake her hand. "And that must make you two Zola and Sofia, who is who?"

"I'm Zola and that's Sofia." Zola tells Joyce matter of factly.

"I'm Joyce, Amelia's friend and because Miss Sofia has had a birthday we thought we could do something special, what do you think?" She asks the girls. They are both so excited to be here, they follow Joyce as she makes conversation with them. Arizona pulls me behind, holding my hand.

"I'm still not going to tell you, it's a surprise." I tell her, knowing that she is going to ask again what I have planned.

"Okay, different question, how do you know Joyce?" she asks not letting go of my hand.

"She goes to the same NA meetings as me. She's been going there since before I came to Seattle. She is a good person." I tell her.

After fifteen minutes of walking we follow her up some steps and through a door that says staff onto the roof of a building. There is a fence around the edges so the kids can't fall and we follow her towards the side.

"So," Joyce says to get the kids attention. "Who wants to feed some Giraffes?"

Zola looks excited about the idea but Sofia looks ecstatic. She listens to every possible fact that Joyce tells her about the giraffes like it's the most important thing in the world. Arizona pulls me into her arms "Thank you so much, this is the best present ever, how on earth did you manage to do this?" She asks me.

"Hey, enjoy it. We can talk about it later. Could you send me those photos?" I ask her and she nods, doing so as we walk over to join the kids. Arizona takes so many photos of Sofia and Zola feeding the giraffes. Joyce offers to take a photo of all of us to which Arizona quickly agrees, taking me by the hand and dragging me into the photo. She also asks Joyce for one of just the two of us before taking the phone back.

When the Zoo is about to open to the public I take Joyce to one side, leaving Arizona with the kids.

"Thank you so much for making this happen. You are amazing." I tell her.

"I told you, I don't have any real family or friends who I can do this for. Just seeing the joy on those little girls faces makes it worth it." She explains modestly.

"Seriously, this has been an amazing experience and you can consider me a friend okay. You can call me if you ever need to talk or even just a cup of coffee."

"Thank you Amelia. Have fun today, and friendship works two ways, you can call me too." She tells me and I pull her in for a hug.

"Thank you again." I say as we leave to see the rest of the animals.

Arizona POV

I haven't seen Sofia this happy in years. Amelia is amazing. I didn't expect anything from her, I just wanted her and Sofia to meet and spend some time with each other and she has managed to find an opportunity for my daughter to do something entirely new. I don't think she realises how truly unique she is. Not many people would go this far for a child they barely know.

We spend the rest of the day walking around, seeing as many animals as we can. Zola and Sofia read all of the signs telling myself and Amelia about each of them individually, sometimes asking us what a word means. We take many photos of the girls to send to Meredith and Callie knowing that they would want pictures of what they had been up to. When it is time to go home we head through the gift shop and I tell Sofia and Zola they can pick a toy each. Zola holds out twenty dollars telling me that her Mom had given her money to get something from here.

"Why don't you get something for Bailey and Ellis with that money, and I'll buy you a toy, how does that sound?" She runs away to go find Sofia, taking their time to choose the right toys.

"You don't have to get Zola anything y'know, I can pay I don't mind." Amelia says to me in the middle of the shop.

"Amelia, I'm pretty sure you just gave my daughter the best birthday present of her life. It's the least I can do, I promise it's fine." I tell her and she just smiles at me. I have the best girlfriend ever.

Zola asks for some help finding something for Ellis and Amelia picks out one of those monkeys with the magnet hands.

"This way she can wear it as a necklace and she won't lose it like she loses all her other toys." She tells Zola, who agrees it's a good choice. We pay and make our way out of the zoo when I see Sofia running towards Amelia giving her a hug and whispering something to her. I snap a photo when they aren't looking and continue walking towards the car.

"Thank you for today, it was amazing." I tell Amelia as she pulls up at our apartment. I wouldn't invite you in but I think Zola is half asleep and you probably want to get her home before she is totally out. Are you busy tomorrow? I drop Sofia off at the airport at 4 so I'll probably be an emotional wreck afterwards and could do with some company." I tell her.

"I finish at 5 and I'll head straight round. Want me to bring dinner?" She offers pulling me in for a hug.

"Dinner sounds great."


	29. Chapter 29

**This chapter is an optional chapter. You do not NEED to read this. I really wanted to give a bit of closure to the Amelia/Addison friendship. I loved them so much in private practice, in my opinion Addison was and will always be the best sister to Amelia. Enjoy. **

**No trigger warnings :)**

* * *

Amelia POV

I get home around 6pm with Zola, I am exhausted. She runs through the house to find her mom, telling Meredith about every single thing she has done today.

"Auntie Amelia you need to show mom the pictures." She tells me, rushing me to get them up on my phone. Once we have gone through all of the images I excuse myself, heading back through to my room. I open my phone to see I have a message from Arizona and a missed call from Addison. Arizona had sent me a collection of photographs from the rest of the day, including one I didn't know she had taken of Sofia and myself. I smile, having a quick look through the other photos before sending a quick reply. I dial Addison's number preparing to return her call.

*Addison = bold, Amelia = normal text as rest of chapter will be a conversation*

**Amelia, hi how are you?**

I am well, amazing even. How are you?

**I'm good, we are all good. Jake has taken Henry out to soccer practice and I'm just lounging, waiting for them to get back. So, what's going on in your life?**

I'm dating someone. It's going really well and I'm happy.

**Who is the lucky guy? Give me details**.

Well for starters, it's not a guy. Her name is Arizona and she is amazing, and beautiful and so good for me.

**Wait, Arizona Robbins, Callie's Arizona? What happened between them? **

They broke up years ago. Callie is now living in New York with the doctor who failed to save my brothers life so there's that. I didn't realise you knew them that well.

**Wait what? I mean I delivered their baby, about a year after you joined the practice they were in an accident and I delivered her at 24 weeks.**

You delivered Sofia? Wow how didn't I know that?

**Yeah, I used to be friends with Callie, I guess we drifted apart when I moved to LA. If Callie is in New York what happened with Sofia? It's a long way to travel for her. **

It was a messy custody battle, Arizona won but couldn't stand seeing seeing Callie suffering, it was making Sofia sad so she let her take Sofia with her. Arizona gets holidays and birthdays with her. I spent the day with her today to celebrate her birthday, we went to the Zoo.

**That sounds nice. So how did you and Arizona meet?**

She found me after a bad NA meeting. I was a mess and she was there for me. If she didn't find me I probably would've gotten high that day but she helped me through it.

**I'm glad you're happy Amelia, I'm glad you're letting her in. Can I ask you something?**

You don't normally ask, what's up?

**I just didn't know you were interested in women I guess. I've only ever known you to be with guys**.

I've never been that interested in relationships in general. The only time I've been in happy relationships I've been high. But if you're asking about my sexuality I've known since I was in high school.

**Wow, that's big. You could have told me you know. I would have been fine with it.**

I know, I just I'm not good with relationships Addie, at all. I don't trust easy, Arizona is the first person I've really spoken to about everything.

**Everything?**

My dad, the drugs, Ryann, Christopher, and more.

**Wait who is Christopher? **

My unicorn baby. That was his name. Arizona was the first person I told. I guess that makes you the second.

**I'm proud of you Amelia, you deserve happiness and I'm glad you found someone who can give you that. I hope one day I can meet her officially, as your girlfriend.**

I would love that. You're always welcome here.

**Yeah, I think things would be a little awkward with Meredith though, but I would love to come and see you. **

Me and Mer are actually getting on at the moment so I'm sure she would be fine with it. How is everybody at the practice?

**They're good. Charlotte was asking after you a few days ago. We miss you. **

Well tell Charlotte she can message me if she wants to. I miss you all too but I needed a fresh start, there were too many memories in LA. Maybe I could come see you all at some point.

**That would be amazing. Amy, Jake and Henry have just come home so I have to go. I love you, stay in touch. **

I will, I love you too. Goodnight Addie.

**Amelia, Happy birthday**.

Thank you Addison.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30 Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts / Drug Abuse**

* * *

Amelia POV

I knock on Arizona's door with a bag of Chinese food in one hand and clothes in the other. She opens the door to let me in and I can tell she has been crying. I put my bags down and wrap my arms around her neck, pulling her close. When I pull away I take the bag of food and put it on the kitchen table.

"Come on, we should eat while its still warm." I say as we move towards the table. "Do you want wine?"

"Amelia, you can't drink and I don't want to make you uncomfortable." She tells me and I shake my head. "I can't drink but you can, I am fine, what do you want?"

She gets up and selects her red wine. "Are you sure this is fine?" She says as she goes to pour the wine.

"I'm fine, you look like you need it. Just, don't kiss me until you've brushed your teeth." I tell her, leaning in and taking her mouth in my own giving her a slow but loving kiss. "That should keep you going for the rest of the night."

We sit quietly, making the most of our time together, just eating our food. When we have finished I take the plates away, putting them in the sink before moving back to sit with my girlfriend.

"What can I do to help?" I ask her taking her hand in my own.

"I hate that she doesn't live here anymore, I know I did what was right for her. Sofia deserves two happy mom's but it still hurts everytime I see her leave. I know she is safe, and loved but it still hurts." I don't know what I can say to comfort her. I help her up and we move to the couch, we sit down and I hold her body against my own.

"I wish I could change things so she would never have had to go." I tell her, rubbing my hand up and down her arm.

"I know what you mean, I wish I could be with her all the time, but if she wasn't with Callie maybe I wouldn't have picked you up at that bus stop that day. If I hadn't found you and brought you here maybe we would never be a thing. I don't want to think about my life without you in it." she says as she sniffles and wipes her eyes.

"I know. I didn't realise how quickly you can get so close with another person. I never want you to leave my life either. You're stuck with me now." I tighten our embrace for a moment, just holding her.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

After about an hour, all of Arizona's sniffling has subsided and I have an idea.

"Get up, we are going out." I tell her, loosening my grip on her so we can both move.

"Amy, I look like crap, I shouldn't be seen like this in public." She tells me, trying to convince me to stay in.

"Nope, you're coming. You don't have to get out of the car I promise. Nobody is going to see you." I extend my arm to help her up and she reluctantly follows.

"Where are we going Amelia? I don't understand."

"Almost there." I tell her as we are driving through some backstreets. After a few minutes we pull up behind the building and I make a quick phone call, saying that we are here. I jump out of the car and wait at the back door, retrieving what we had come for before putting the bag in the back and getting back in the car.

"Amelia, can you please tell me what we are doing here?" She asks again.

"When I am a bad day I come here sometimes. The owner knows I don't like being around people sometimes so he lets me pay at the back door." We drive for a couple more minutes until I see where I want to be and stop the car.

I reach into the back and grab the bag I have just collected before getting out of the car signalling at Arizona to follow.

"Raspberry or rockyroad?" I hold out the two containers for her to choose from.

"Ice cream, really?" She says as she takes the raspberry container and I pass her a spoon.

"Not just ice cream. The best ice cream in Seattle, and that." I point straight ahead of me and take her hand, to show her what I am referring to. The view of the city is amazing from here. You can see everything but it's quieter, calmer.

"This is my spot. It's where I come when I need some space or just time to think or cry. I've never brought anybody here before." I tell her as I open my ice cream.

"It's beautiful, Amelia." She tells me as she sits down to watch the sun set. "How did you find this place?"

"I was in a dark place after Derek died. I bought some pills are I ended up here. I looked at maps to find places where there were no people, somewhere I could get high. I wanted to end it, I wanted to die but somehow when I saw that view it made my problems feel less important. I threw the drugs away and sat here and just cried all night." I feel her pull me into her side and wipes my tears.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise things were that bad." She tells me.

"You couldn't have known, I didn't say anything. But this place somehow makes me calmer. Whenever I'm feeling down I come here, sometimes with ice cream sometimes without and I just breath. I thought maybe it could help you too."

"It does, this place is amazing. Thank you."

We sit there for what seems like hours, until the sun has completely set and the evening air has become cool. When we make our way back to the car Arizona takes my hand.

"Amelia, do you still have days where you want to die?" I don't look at her, I just tighten my grip on her hand. "Amelia, this is important." She continues, hinting that she really needs me to answer.

"Yeah. I think about it sometimes but it's rarely bad enough that I would actually act on it. Even when it is that bad I normally opt for the blade first, I know it's still a shitty response but I'm here."

"Have you ever thought about speaking to someone, a professional I mean?" Of course this is a normal question, I've just told her I struggle with suicidal thoughts.

"I've never been comfortable telling anyone about my issues, I've worked with therapists and I think they're amazing but it's not for me. If it makes you feel better I haven't had any of those days since we became friends." I say honestly. "Could we just not talk about this right now?"

"Okay, just promise me you'll tell me if you have one of those days again. I can't deal with the thought of you being alone like that."

"I can't promise that, but I promise I will try."

When we get back to Arizona's apartment the atmosphere is tense. We get ourselves ready for bed, climbing in side by side.

"I'm sorry if I upset you with what I was saying earlier. Tonight was supposed to be about making you feel better." I tell her quietly as she gets herself comfy.

"Amelia, it's okay. You really helped me actually, I just worry about you." She tells me and I just nod in response, regretting bringing this up again.

"I spoke to my sister last night, to catch up." I say to change the subject.

"Which sister?" she asks

"Addie, Addison, I guess she isn't really my sister but she was there for me when my real sisters weren't. I told her about us, I didn't realise you two had met."

"She delivered Sofia. She seemed nice but she was Callie's friend really, I didn't know her that well." Arizona tells me simply.

"She asked about Callie but honestly she was just glad I found someone who made me happy. I'm not saying it has to be soon but I want you two to meet. You both mean so much to me."

"I would love to meet her as your sister.

"Arizona, I don't celebrate my birthday, and I know yesterday was about Sofia, but yesterday was my birthday and I want you to know best birthday of my life. Thank you for being there with me."

"I didn't know it was your birthday, I would have gotten you a card or something."

"Please don't, I don't celebrate my birthday. I just wanted you to know."

"Thank you, Amelia. For trusting me."

"Thank you for not running."


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31 Trigger Warnings: Consensual Sex**

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Amelia POV

As days pass by, Arizona's mood gradually seems to get back to normal. We spend nights together most of the time but still me make sure we have time apart, we each have our own lives. I am sitting on my bed at Meredith's when I receive a message from Arizona asking me to join her. We weren't planning on spending the night together but I'm happy to spend time with her. I quickly put my stuff in a bag and leave to go to her apartment. When I arrive she thanks me for coming and leads me through to her bedroom.

"My stubborn daughter will not go to bed until she has said goodnight to both of us. Callie is super stressed out so I thought getting you here was the easiest solution." I laugh at her and walk into the bedroom where I see Sofia, set up on Skype.

"Hey Sofia, I heard you wanted to speak to me." I say as I sit down opposite the computer.

"Amelia! I sent you something and my mom said it arrived today so I wanted to see you open it before I go to sleep." She exclaims and Arizona hands me an envelope. When I open it I see a hand drawn thank you card with a picture of who I presume to be Sofia and myself.

"I love it Sofia. It's beautiful, thank you." I say honestly.

"Can I tell you a secret?" she asks me and of course agree. She asks Arizona to leave the room and Callie to leave her room before continuing. "I wanted to say thank you for giving me an amazing birthday present but also thank you for making my Mom happy. She was sad because I moved away with my other mom but I think you make it better."

"Sof, you are so smart. I am trying super hard to make your Mom happy. I'm happy you're okay with us."

"You can tell my Mom to come back now, I want to say goodnight before I go to bed." I open the door for Arizona to come back in and whisper that I'll tell her what just happened after she has said goodnight.

Amelia POV

Once Sofia is in bed and Arizona has closed the computer I wrap my arms around Arizona's waist and move to kiss her but she stops me.

"You and my daughter have too many secrets, I'm not sure I like it." She tells me, holding me in close.

"I don't think one secret counts as too many, but if it bothers you, I can tell you what she said." I offer, I don't want to cause issues for my girlfriend.

"Two secrets, that I know of." She replies, and I search my brain for any idea of what other secret she could be referring to. When I come up with nothing she reaches for her phone, showing me the lock screen. It's a picture of Sofia and myself in the parking lot at the zoo, she is whispering something to me.

"Oh, that." I laugh. "Kind of creepy you set that as your wallpaper. Did you set that just for this conversation?"

"No, I actually thought it was an adorable photo and wanted to see it every time I open my phone. But using it now was a good plan." She replies playfully.

"If you want to talk about your daughter that's fine, but you should know I was thinking we could do something… A little more inappropriate for us to do tonight." I tease, biting my lip, looking her in the eye.

"Not fair using that against me. Fine, I guess we will continue this conversation later."

I pick back up where I was at before she started talking, forcing my tongue into her mouth, pushing her back against the bed until she falls backwards. I climb on top of her, putting my knee between her legs causing her to grind against it. I sit up and begin to unbutton her jeans, removing them carefully before detaching her prosthetic. I place my hands at the hem of her shirt, pulling it up over her head before placing my lips back on her own. She pushes her tongue into my mouth and I kiss back with force, feeling her moan into my mouth. I pull at her bra straps and she clearly understands what I'm asking for as she lifts her back, giving me her permission to remove the item of clothing. Once it is gone I switch my concentration to her beasts, kissing my way down to them, using my hands and mouth to ensure they get enough attention. I trace my fingers around her nipple, kissing and suckling on the other before switching to do the same on the other side. Her chest is rising heavily with my movements, she is clearly lost in the sensations I am causing.

After a while I go to remove her panties and she places her hand on my own.

"Are you okay?" She asks as I move my eyes to look at hers.

"I'm amazing. You are so hot." I reply flicking my eyes down her body before looking back up at her.

"Not that I'm complaining, but why is this happening? It wasn't planned."

"I want to let you touch me, but I want to make you feel good first. I don't know what will happen or if I'll freak out or anything so I want to make sure you get the attention you deserve. Besides, we just clarified that you are extremely hot, so I quite enjoy this. Can we get back on with it now?" I ask and she accepts, moving her hand from on top of her own. I remove her panties and begin to circle her clit with my index finger, making sure not to touch her where she wants me most. She is already frustrated by my actions, even more so when I stop.

"Why did you stop?" She whines but instead of answering I begin to kiss my way down her body until I am laid with my face over her core. I blow gently, seeing her hips rise at the action. She was close when I stopped so I know this won't take long. I lick up her slit, she is so wet. I hear her moan my name which fuels me to continue. I position two fingers at her entrance, pushing them slowly into her as I place a kiss on her sensitive bundle of nerves. Beginning to move my fingers, remembering how she liked it when I curve them. Her moans are increasing in frequency and volume with every movement of my fingers. I take her clit in my mouth, licking circles around it and sucking it hard. It's a strange sensation but one I could easily get used to. With a couple more movements of my fingers she comes undone in my mouth. I go to lap up her juices with my mouth but she pulls me up to her mouth to kiss her.

"That was amazing, where did you learn to do that?" She asks, referring to the fact that I had never done it before.

"I did research, and I remembered what you liked from last time and put it together. Was it really okay?"

"It was amazing Amelia, you are amazing."

We lay there for a few moments before we begin the move.

"I really want to let you touch me, but I'm scared. I don't want to freak out." I tell her when she places her hands on my hips. I'm still fully dressed and I know she would never do anything that would intentionally cause me distress.

"Amelia, if you're not ready, we don't have to take it any further. We can wait until you're ready, when you're less scared." She tells me honestly, and I know she would wait but that's not what I need.

"That's the thing, I don't know if the fear will ever go away until I've tried it. I want to try, I need to try." I tell her, trying to convince us both.

"Okay, then I guess I have a few questions. I don't want to take things too far, I don't want to hurt you."

"Okay, what do you need to know?" I ask as I take a shaky breath.

"I guess, I need to know what position you're most comfortable in. Also how you want me to do this." I think about my response before replying.

"Can I be on top? I guess that way I won't feel trapped. What do you mean about how?"

"Hands, mouth, penetration," she lists. I cringe at the thought of having this conversation, it's awkward but we both know it's necessary.

"I don't think I want you to go down on me, I want to be able to see your face. I need to be able to focus on you. I'm not sure about the others, can we just see how it goes?" I ask her, I don't really know how to answer the rest. I can't anticipate how I'm going to react, I think that's why it's so scary. It's the unknown.

I act first, sitting up next to her, beginning to remove my clothing. She takes over for me, removing my t-shirt before unbuttoning my pants and pulling them down my legs. She doesn't stop to notice my scars she just moves towards me, leaning in to take my mouth in her own. The kiss is loving but somehow rough and needy. I kiss back, battling for dominance until she gives in, letting me take over. I move to position myself over her, glancing down at her still naked body. I continue the kiss her and I feel her reach to unclip my bra.

"Is this okay?" She questions, not taking any action until I agree. She places her hands on my breasts, squeezing gently causing me to moan her name. She moves her hands to rest at the base of my back and I place my head on her shoulder, resting my body against her instead of holding myself up. Feeling her skin against my own I feel a shiver down my spine. She is so soft, caring. I feel her nails tracing down my back and look up towards her face as they reach the top of my panties.

"It's okay, you can take them off." I tell her as she runs her hands over the lining, watching my face as she begins to take them down my legs. I have to finish taking them off as she can't reach any further but as I do I'm overcome by the awareness of what it happening. Arizona has clearly noticed my mind wandering as she has stopped what she was doing and has her hand cupping my face.

"Amelia, look at me. It's okay. What do you need?" I take a moment to breathe, remembering there is only Arizona here with me. I trust her, I know I am safe here.

"Can we move to under the blankets? I just, I don't like being in the open." I ask quietly. I'm not sure if its a strange request but she happily complies, pulling the blanket up to cover our bodies.

"Do you want to continue?" She asks me and I nod my head indicating its okay, taking her mouth in my own.

I'm not sure how long we have been making out for when I feel her hands begin to wander again, stopping at the base of my stomach.

"It's okay, you can touch me. I'm just nervous, I don't know what to expect." I tell her. She takes one of her hands and places it at the top of my bare back with the other wandering lower. After a moment I feel her hand cup my core. It's a foreign feeling, I'm not uncomfortable but it's new. She stays still for a moment, waiting for me to react, studying my face. When I move my hips I feel her fingers swipe gently between my folds. I feel my body tensing and she clearly understands.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to continue?" She asks me and I nod to indicate I do but I can't relax my body. She moves her hand higher, towards my clit and gently strokes it. I feel my hips lower slightly towards her hand and she continues her movements.

"Amelia, do you want me to keep going like this or do you want me to go inside?"

"I don't know, but I trust you. Do what feels right." I tell her, hoping she will make the decision for me but she shakes her head.

"This needs to be your decision Amy."

"Its okay, you can try. If I don't like it we can stop." I tell her and she stills her motions. She collects my juices with her finger and presses it into me slowly. It doesn't hurt, I don't know why that surprises me but it doesn't hurt.

"Is this okay?"

When I nod she slowly begins to move her finger, stretching her thumb to tease my clit. I suppress a loud moan and Arizona realises what I did and stopped her movements.

"You're safe here, Amelia. You can make noises." She tells me before continuing her movements. Once the moans begin to come out of my mouth it's like I can't control them. When I am close she adds another finger, continuing to pump in and out of me causing the loudest moan yet. Her thumb increases speed, circling my clit and I feel the pressure that's been building in my stomach become to much. My body shakes over hers and I can no longer hold myself up. I fall on top of Arizona and she holds me until all of my vibrations have stopped.

"Are you okay?" She asks as she removes her fingers from within me and I groan at the movement. She licks her fingers clean of my juices and it's such an erotic sight.

"I am perfect, that was really good. That has never happened before."

"What hasn't happened before?" she asks for clarification.

"I mean, maybe when I was high it did but I can't remember ever having an orgasm. Sorry if that's a weird thing to say but I thought you should know." I tell her honestly.

"I am glad to be your first. Thank you for trusting me, I know that was difficult." she tells me and I move my body to the side, resting my head on her chest and drift into a peaceful sleep.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32 Trigger Warnings: Sexual Assault**

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Amelia POV

_I feel his body pressing against mine, holding me down. He pushes my chest hard and moves my hands to hold them above my head. His blade running across my skin and his fingers forcing into me._

I wake up panting, in pain. I feel his hands on my body. I feel trapped. I look around me, realising where I am. I pull myself out of Arizona's arms, sitting up against the headboard and wrapping the blankets around my naked body. I hold my head to my knees trying to steady my shaking breaths. The thoughts in my head are too loud, I need it all to stop.

"Amelia, it's Arizona, can you look at me." I shake my head but stay looking down. "Amelia, you're safe. Nobody can hurt you." She reaches out her hand placing it on my own but I flinch and jump away. She withdraws from the contact quickly but stays by my side talking to me. I can still feel his hands on my body and I'm overcome with nausea. I try to hold it back but Arizona has placed the trash can in front of me. I take it and let my body release, emptying my stomach. She opens a bottle of water, holding it out for me to take. My hands are still shaking but I manage to take the water, drinking a few mouthfuls before spilling a little handing it back to Arizona. My hands are in a tight fist, trying to calm myself down.

"Amelia, I'm going to put the trash can next to the bed in case you need it." I nod to show my understanding. "Amelia, you need to calm down, you're going to hurt yourself, stop making fists, it's okay, you're okay. Let it out. Cry, scream, whatever you need but let it out. You are safe with me." When the tears start to flow I can't control them. I keep my knees tucked to my chest, sobbing and trying not to hyperventilate.

After what seems like hours the tears are still flowing. At some point Arizona has started rubbing circles on my back trying to calm me down but keeping contact limited.

"I hate him." I cry, "I hate he can still do this to me." I try to explain, my breathing beginning to speed up again.

"I know, I know you do. Try to stay calm for me." She says and I turn my head for the first time and at some point she has managed to put a t-shirt and shorts on. She pulls the blankets up helping me wrap myself up, being careful not to touch me but I move towards her, allowing her to embrace me.

"You're so strong Amelia. You got through it. You're a survivor."

"I feel weak. If I were strong we wouldn't be sat like this." I tell her.

"You are so much stronger than you know. You not only survived but you managed to combat your addiction and become an amazing surgeon. You told me you thought about killing yourself, you could have just stopped it all right then but you kept fighting. You are a fighter. You are the strongest person I know."

Arizona POV

It's hard to imagine how one person can have so much pain and anger built up inside them. I hate that there is nothing I can to take it away.

"I still feel his hands on me. I want him gone." She mumbles and I place my hands on her face, turning her face to look at me.

"I can't go back and change what happened. I wish I could. But I'm here, and I'm never going to leave you. I promise. Do you want to get dressed?" I ask, picking up her clothes from last night and passing them towards her.

"It will get better. I don't know how long it'll take but it will get better." I tell her as she is putting her clothes on.

"How do you know?"

"After the plane crash I had nightmares. I would wake up screaming sometimes and I know it's not the same but things did get better."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know. How did you make them stop?" She asked leaning back into my side.

"I talked about it a lot. I cried, and at some point the nightmares became less prevalent. I learned that the hurt won't go away, but I can focus on something else. I still get them sometimes but then I think of how amazing my life is now. I went through something awful but ifay this but love spending time with you, I'm not just putting up with you."

"I love you. Holy shit. I can't believe I just said that. Now I'm ruining the moment. Urgh I'm so stupid."

"Amy, its fine. I love you too. You didn't ruin anything." I tell her as I kiss the top of her head.

"Arizona, I think I need a meeting."


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33 (The Final Chapter) Trigger Warnings: Sexual Assault / Self Harm / Drug Abuse**

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Amelia POV

We stay awake for the rest of the morning. After the events of this morning we don't have anymore deep conversations, just light hearted conversation. I've known I love Arizona for a while, but I haven't been able to say it because I was scared that she would leave, or get hurt. I don't know why this morning was different but when she was holding me, I knew she would never let go. I believed what she was saying.

At 9am Arizona drops me at my usual NA meeting. I walk in and sit down, listening to other people talk before I take my chance to speak.

"Hi, I'm Amelia and I am an addict. Most of you here know me, I've spoken before about my struggles with addiction but today I want to talk about my life as a whole. I want to tell you my story." I look around the room at the familiar faces, watching me, taking time to listen to me and I'm grateful for them.

"When I was 5, my father was murdered in front of me. Because of that I didn't really have a steady home life. My mother was working all the time, to be able to provide for us kids and my brother and sisters were all older and wanted their own space.

When I was 16 I decided to go to a party, I don't even think they noticed I was gone. I was raped that night, on my way home. I went to see the doctor instead of talking to my family and he gave me pain pills to help deal with my injuries. I guess we all know how that ended up.

One night while I was high, I crashed my brothers car and he found a prescription I'd forged for myself and I was so scared of what he was going to do that I ran away. My mother noticed I was missing and called the police. They found me trying to jump off the roof of my friends house. I was so scared of getting clean that death seemed like a better solution. I wasn't ready to deal with the emotions, the nightmares that my attacker gave me.

My brother made me get clean, he forced me to go to rehab and I managed to get through med school and residency to become a doctor. I managed to stay clean but I didn't realise how alcohol was affecting me. A friend noticed and we started going to meetings together. I was holding it together until my friend died, that's when I started using again.

While I was high, I met someone. I know now that he was just using me because I was a doctor, and I had access to drugs but at the time I trusted him. We decided to get clean together, but I woke up the next morning to find him dead next to me. That's when I realised I needed help. My ex sister in law helped me get clean, I was closer to her than I was to my real family. She helped me get into a rehab programme.

I got clean and the nightmares came back. They were made worse by the fact that I realised I was pregnant with my dead fiancé's child. I stayed clean for the baby but he had a genetic abnormality and could never survive. He was my unicorn baby, his organs flew across the country to save other babies that needed them. It hurt so much to let him go.

I tried to move on with my life. I got a boyfriend, he was a good guy but I was terrified of being hurt by him. The nightmares were too much for him to handle so I left. I moved to seattle to live with my brother and his family. We became so much closer when we were living together but he had his own family. I never told him about being attacked, or my baby. Just when I thought things were going well, my brother was hit by a truck. He was killed and I never got to say goodbye. I almost gave up and got high after that, but I didn't. I suffered so much, I self harmed and life sucked, it still does sometimes.

I know this story makes my life seem like I'm living in a horror film, but that's the thing. I don't care. I survived. I recently met somebody and I was so hesitant to let her in but she somehow managed to get through all my walls. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I always thought I was weak, but this morning my girlfriend put things differently. She told me I am strong, that I chose to fight when giving up was the easiest option. I realise now that I am a fighter. I will not give up. I was dealt a bad hand but it my life. Its my story and against all the odds, I came out stronger on the other side. I survived. I am a survivor and I know my life isn't magically going to get better but today I choose to keep living. I deserve to live."

So I guess this is the end. Thank you for reading. Please review and let me know what you think.


	34. Chapter 34

Hi guys, I've had a couple of reviews and some private messages asking me to do a sequel. Is this what most of you want? I don't want to ruin what ive worked on but if you guys want a sequel id sure as hell be uo for trying. Please let me know your opinions, also if there is any situation you would like to see (I need ideas of what to include so it wont get boring.) if you want a response from me please remember i cant reply to guests so creatr an account, it can be anonymous so nobody knows it is you!

Thanksss


	35. Sequel

First chapter of the sequel is up!

Check my profile, the story is called "Where Things Went".

Enjoyyyyyy.


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